Arezou's Random Thoughts...

addicted to this song

2010-12-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

there is no pain you are receding
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon
you are only coming through in waves
your lips move
but I can't hear what you're saying

especially love it when it says: there is no pain you are receding. simply fabulous!

Daydreaming... uncovered!

2010-03-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

So I went to Goli Taraghi's first lecture today (she's teaching a class called Women in Modern Iranian Literature at Stanford this quarter). The class awesome (and I'm obviously excited!). You wouldn't call the class a big one, since there were only 6 of us in class + goli.

She said something that totally woke me up... she started out by ing about the conflicts that exist in the literature (and in particular Persian literature), starting from the man vs. woman conflict, and then moving on to the conflict between the modern woman and the traditional woman (which could be inside the same woman!). Then she said how women after the revolution were confused, since they were liberated once before the revolution, and then covered again after the revolution. She said that the woman in this era is a confused woman, a woman divided between modernity and tradition. The main question is a question of identity, of the "Who am I?". The woman does not know her identity, and this confusion leads to her indecisiveness: the woman cannot make decisions, and cannot change her life. But she can do one thing, and that is to "daydream", to dream about what she wants to be, what she wants to do, and what she can become. So she spends her time daydreaming on and on... and as a result, most of her conversations are monologues as opposed to dialogues.

When she was talking about all of these, I just realized how much of it applies to me. I felt like she is talking about me. I don't want to say that I am confused between modernity and tradition (though that may be true in some situations, and I shouldn't deny it!), but maybe the more tangible confusion that I feel is my confusion about my career, about my goals. Every day in an out, I feel confused about what I am. I am in a research lab, but I feel like I haven't really decided on my identity here. I feel like other people in the lab are determined to do what they are doing, and they relate to their academic selves. Not me! I keep on thinking about my "options", and how I should explore and search for my ideal career, my ideal identity. And in the meanwhile I am just too busy doing research to have any quality time for this identity exploration business. This confusion has made me indecisive and submissive, and I have become that woman. I cannot focus as much as I used to. When I sit in talks, in classes, and in lectures, I start daydreaming before I can even notice it! I wander in my thoughts, away into my ideal world where I have a strong, smart, and respectable identity. Where I am not afraid to voice my opinion and do not feel intimidated (This is not to say that those around me intimidate me, rather, my confusion steals away my identity, which in turns results in my lack of self-esteem)...

caught myself yesterday in the midst of my daydreams. I was sitting in a talk and my co-adviser walks in. He goes in and sits in front of my adviser, which is sitting in front of me. So then I start thinking about the fact that he is my co-adviser, and that he is sitting in front of my adviser, and that I am sitting behind both of them, and that I should probably go and talk to him some time soon, and then I thought about what it means for me to have these two people as my adviser and co-adviser. Then I thought about what successful students have become, and what would it be like if I come back to Stanford in a couple years to give a talk, how would they treat me, etc.... and it went on and on, and then I suddenly noticed that the presenter has changed the slide! So this time (fortunately) I caught myself and concentrated on the presentation again. This happens to me all the time, and before I know it, I fall asleep in classes, talks and lectures which I presumably attend on a voluntary basis!

So when she talked about confusion leading to indecisiveness leading to daydreaming, it all made sense to me! All of a sudden everything just seemed to click. And I felt so stupid for not having noticed it before...

So what am I planning to do about this? How should I resolve my confusion, and how should I find my identity (for now, in the context of school and career)? This is still an open question... I think I know too many solutions, but to actually give them a try is a different story...

Thanks Goli for clearing things up for me!

25th Birthday

2010-03-02T15:48:00.000-08:00

My 25th Birthday is coming up, and what I long the most is to be close to my dearest friends... I wish I could once again daydream for days about what to do for my birthday, talk about it at length with my friends, plan a 1000 things and get extremely excited, write up a list of people to invite (and not to invite!) a month in advance :D ...

fun times! we could just ask people to come over, dance and jump up and down till we were tired, or play games, or we just spent the night laughing so hard until our stomachs hurt! Or I wish I could just go out to a cute little jazz bar, where I could truly enjoy my time with a few of my close friends... drink a little, and eat a little, and just float in the air!

I wish I could have all those people that I love in my birthday party, there are SO many of you, and I miss you all so much... I wish I could talk to you about what to do, and get excited about it with you :D not just about my birthday, but about all the things that have been happening in my life in the past year, the excitements, the worries, the waitings, ...

Roozi ke raft bar bad, roozi ke mand dar yaad

2008-09-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

It's exactly one year since I went to Kiosk's concert last year in Toronto. I had an amazing time, and heard some original persian music in an amazing crowd :) This year, I went to Mohsen Namjoo's much-anticipated concert in San Francisco's Palace of Fine Arts. It was an amazing performance, an unforgettable experience, and again, a wonderful crowd :) I wish all my friends were there with me to share this!

It's amazing how creative Iranian musicians have become, each in their own genre, to produce such amazing and touching pieces of art. I love how the Iranian music is getting out of the ordinary, allowing new thoughts and new trends to be injected in our veins, to feed our hearts and our soul. You just have to open up your ears, your mind, and your heart :)

In Kiosk's concert, I went with a group of friends and we sang all the songs from the beginning to the end! The crowd was crazy for Kiosk, and they were amazing. We all sang out the "Bitarbiat" song, so loud that we couldn't even hear ourselves anymore. After the concert, we headed to the Distillery District with a larger group of friends, but the few of us knew that the rest were not excited enough about the music, and were not at all interested in meeting the band! So later we decided to chase the actors to the milestone's restaurant in North York, and we spent around an hour walking around the milstone's patio, discussing whether we should join the reception or avoid the embarrassment! And of course in the end we just decided to leave ;) Nevertheless, we had an amazing time :)

I went to 127's concert in March in Berkeley with a couple of my friends who were highly excited about the concert. I had an amazing night there as well. It was a much smaller concert in an underground bar, but the crowd energy level was extremely high, and the artists interacted with the audience at a more personal level. The trombone player was the best! Again, I sang all their songs out loud, and loved their performance :) I also got their autograph on my CD, as well as a photo with the band :)

Only a few days ago I went to Namjoo's concert in San Francisco with my family, who are extremely excited about Namjoo as well. I also met a lot of my friends there. The concert couldn't be better! Namjoo was perfect! His performance touched my heart and soul so deep that I wanted to cry. Though he appeared to be a bit nervous and shy in the beginning, he finally connected with the audience, and gave the most wonderful performance I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life! You would be right to think that a two and a half hour SOLO concert would be boring, but not when Namjoo is on stage. He played setar, dotar and guitar! And of course his own voice is a complete musical instrument. He uses all these tools in such unimaginable ways to awaken all possible senses and feelings in you: awe, surprise, laughter, sadness, and love. You just have to be open and ready to be surprised by his magic, by the sounds he makes with his voice, and with his setar. You have to allow his poems to show you their own world. The world of pain, tragedies, love, and life. It's much more than a concert, it's a life-altering experience.

And of course the crowd was amazingly energetic! Though this time the concert was much larger than Kiosk and 127's concerts. However, there were some people in the crowd that were not exactly aware of his work, and did not understand his poems. I found it highly absurd when people laughed during the performance of "Diazpam". Though his words are intended to convey a dark humor, the tragedy strikes with such heavy hand that leaves no room for a mockery. Nevertheless, I think it was at least an opportunity for other people to learn about Namjoo's work, and maybe later, they would give a second thought to realize the true meaning of his poems.

After the concert, I had a chance to attend the reception. So I got a photo with him, and his signature on my CD. I wish him the best, he is an incredible person, and a wonderful artist.

I hope this pattern repeats next year :) I love being exposed to the kind of music that penetrates to the depth of my soul.

1 + 1 = 1 + 1

2008-05-17T18:31:00.006-07:00

Here we are,
Just going through the motions one more time,
You looked in my eyes but you don't see me,
Here I am, feeling like a stranger in your arms,
I touch you, I hold you, but lately I don't know you...
Something is wrong but we go on from day-to-day,
And we just pretend it all away,
We act like nothing's changed,
But in our hearts we know it's not the same...

Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...

Remember when you couldn't wait to run into my arms,
When the love inside my heart was all you needed,
Remember when you made me wish the night would never end,
The fire, the thunder, we lived to love each other,
If ever two hearts were one, then it was yours and mine,
But that was another place in time,
Now all we have to show,
Are memories of a dream we used to know...

Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...

When did we lose our way, we had it all,
Don't know how it all just slipped away,
But oh, can we get it back again,
Is it too late, can we try,
Just one time, cause darling...

Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...

Nostalgia!

2008-05-01T22:01:00.002-07:00

The days where I used to feel sharp... the days where I had the most inner excitement about learning that is possibly imaginable!
The days where I would skip my classes to study what I want to study! Self-motivation, and pure love for learning, and for playing... playing the games of brain, challenging the ordinary, proving to be extraordinary...

Alas, those days are gone with the wind, the wind that was blowing on the same day I entered a new type of classroom, where everything was given, and...

And now... oh how I miss those days, how I regret missing out on learning, all this time, six years! Six years have gone by, and I was always content! I was successful, but never challenged what was given... motivation is somehow gone with the wind, and now that I feel it coming from around the corner, will I ever be able to fully become what I was once trying to become? To learn, and love to learn? ...

Oh and one last question: Could you ever lose your mental abilities? My answer: It may well be possible... if you don't want to be exciting anymore, why should your brain care?

Now, Come on! Who are you fooling?! You've slided down the warm rabbit hole, where comfortable rules define ordinary days and nights...

2008-03-19T23:35:00.002-07:00

A transient lightness, and yet, more melancholy...

Do you even remember, when we were so happy, when we were so alive? Singing out loud the joyous songs through the open moon-roof, and yes, the breeze caressing us ever so softly ... We got excited with the sight of the slightest beauty, and yes, that was exactly when we actually noticed the details: nature's surprises, and the subtleties of our world. Did you record those moments forever in your heart, just like I did? Do you pay attention to details? I mean, there are details that make things what they are!

A postcard from a friend shares something very personal about his/her character! A postcard should not be ignored, it should be opened, and read out loud... its being should be celebrated! Its message should be proclaimed to emphasize its existence. Simply looking at the postcard from a distance rids the postcard of its own being! You merely look at it, from a distance, and don't you see that you are suffocating it? The details! It's all about the details!

And by the way, I am not holding a magnifying class! I'm just constantly trying my best to celebrate life, celebrate everything that is worth celebration... trying so hard to avoid dailiness... or so I think...

چهارشنبه سوری

2008-03-18T12:34:00.002-07:00

دلم برای چهارشنبه سوری بد جوری تنگ شده... برای رنگ آتش... بوی چوب سوخته... اون بوی همیشه آشنا و دلنشین
بوی درخت های تازه جوونه زده
دلم برای رمز و رازهای آتش تنگ شده
که تو سرمای زمستون دستتو بگیری بالاش و گرمت کنه
گاهی هم یه حس ناگهانی بهت می گه که نکنه زیادی بهش نزدیک شدی
ولی رمز و رازها و گرمای لطیف آتش عمراٌ تورو پس بزنه
پاش بیفته می خوای تا فردا صبح هم که شده همون جا وایستی
و وای می ایستی
این قدر تا آخر سر یکی اعتراضش بلند شه که بابا! بسه دیگه! پاشو بریم به کار و زندگیمون برسیم

بوی عید....

2008-03-13T21:24:00.002-07:00

بوی عیدی
بوی توپ
بوی کاغذ رنگی
بوی تند ماهی دودی وسط سفره نو
بوی یاس جانماز ترمه مادربزرگ
با اینا زمستون و سر می کنم
با اینا خستگیمو سر می کنم

23!

2008-03-06T06:30:00.001-08:00

feels weird, 22 feels like a much better number! دو تا دو!
23 has a lot of weight, it shatters the harmony! Am I entering a new part of my life? I mean, what was wrong with 22? Well... maybe it's time to try something new, this time without the repetition!

ریشه در خاک

2007-12-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

P.S. I just noticed that my blog is starting to look like a bunch of youtube links! I'm not going to stick to this trend forever!!! But you have to allow me this one, I just can't NOT post it... it's a truly magnificent poem, and when he, himself, reads it, it's just perfect!

Belle....

2007-12-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am in love with this performance...

Sleepy in Gerstein

2007-11-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

I took the overnight flight from San Francisco to Toronto last night. Right when I got to the airport, my friends picked me up, and we had an aaaamaaaaaaazing breakfast at Marche :) overall, it has been a wonderful day! I realized that I miss Toronto more than I thought :P the only problem is that, due to sleep deficit, my brain is not at its full functional level, and I think my body is also stopping to respond fully even when my brain finally succeeds in sending the freaking message across the neurons. As I watch my missed lectures online in Gerstein, it feels kind of like I'm here and I'm not... lol... which is a very good feeling... I started to feel fresh again, which is a feeling I really needed... it's very ironical since just a meter away, outside the windows, I see the leaves falling from the trees, which should not be translated to rebirth :P but for some reason beyond my current analysis capabilities, the fall seems to transmit the exact opposite message as it intended to!

Rainbow

2007-10-31T01:53:00.000-07:00

I can't get enough of this one! It gives me such a great feeling! Watch till the end, and you'll know what I mean :D
An expressionless moment of happiness ... that's all we need, we need to be in the moment, in our moment, and we need to paint it up with all sort of colors, for it cannot live in a black and white world of true's and false's.

take-home midterm DONE

2007-10-27T23:22:00.001-07:00

So I'm finally done with my take-home midterm! :D :D :D I pulled an all-nighter, but I felt like I didn't really need to do so... A little better time management and less worrying about small details could have been useful... well of course as the hours go by and by, the processing speed of the brain goes down and down, and the minutest and least significant issues seem to have some sort of "trick" embedded in them, so for an instance, you feel smart that you actually pin-pointed the "trick"! But alas, that's where the moment of smartness ends because for the next few hours your thoughts circle around your brain without actually getting processed, which obviously results in a huge spaghetti in which you get lost and forgot where you started from!

As you can see, the above are all symptoms of a degenerated brain! In the past 38 hours, I have slept (lightly) for only 3 hours! At this point in time, I don't feel sleepy at all, but my body feels degenerated, my muscles are jittery, and it takes some time for me to actually say what is going on in my head (due to the huge spaghetti!)

For a more specific list of symptoms, refer to here.

P.S. By the way, there was also another thing that has kept my mind busy for the past day: are Halloween parties usually thrown the weekend before the actual Halloween, or the weekend after? You know why this is important? Cuz if the former is true, I just missed it (for the 5th time, i.e. as always!), but I really really really hope that some really good Halloween party happens next weekend :(((

Assignments never end!

2007-10-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting at the kitchen table, doing one assignment after the other, one question after the other... I regularly take a peak at the gmail page to check for any new e-mails (and to satisfy my infinite thirst for refreshing the gmail page), and that leads to ctrl-tab, youtube page, to once again watch one of the videos in my favorites list! Then I do another question, and triumphantly look at my neat solution, all the while thinking, is this victorious enough for a break, to watch a little movie online? And I found myself thinking about all the movies I want to watch: Mohsen Namjoo's autobiography, or BBC's "Human All Too Human" program on Nietzsche, or another episode of Lost. And finally I say to myself: no, this question was too easy, I cannot allow myself such a celebration yet!

Here I am!

2007-10-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

So my friend gave me this really good idea, to keep in touch using our weblogs. And she has been really successful in doing so :) I love her weblog! I tried to start doing the same a couple times, i.e. opened the blogger dashboard and clicked on "New Post", but I couldn't write anything. I was more reserved, I don't know why. I felt like I can only write here when I have like a real tornado going on in my head or in my heart. At least those were the times that I used to write in this blog so often.

Another goal was to try to add a meaningful photo to each post, to try to express my emotions and my thoughts with more color.

Well, maybe these standards are too tight! As of now, my decision is to write in this weblog, whatever I want to write, or whatever I want my friends to know, or whatever seems cool, basically: "whatever"! And from there, we shall see how the trend of the posts are going to take form. I guess they will morph themselves into what they should :)

So for today, I am going to adhere to the traditions developed by babyblue :)

Thanks to Windshield for the link :)

Carpe Diem

2007-09-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

The only sense of time we really need to have is a sense of now. This now, that now, the "now" in itself. Seize the day, the hour, the minute, the moment! The moment of grief, the moment of ecstasy, the moment of anger, and the moment of love! Indeed, Seize the moment. Don't just "observe" the moment, for the clocks tick away, and the moment is gone. It is only by acting upon the moment that we can seize it, eternally. The moments that we hold up in our soul define us, and henceforth summon our soul to a higher level.

Oh how I love to seize my anger, my passion, my joy, and my sadness. Albeit, my mind is too agile, and my tongue is too slow.

127 band - good music, interesting style!

2007-04-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

ای خسرو خوبان نظری سوی گدا کن
رحمی به من خسته دل بی سرو پا کن

Indifference

2007-03-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

The picture shows a very particular kind of indifference.... a very sad one

300. The truth?

2007-03-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

300 the movie

Face-blindedness

2007-02-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

Prosopagnosia, or face blindedness, is a disorder of face perception. It can be caused due to an injury to the occipital and temporal lobes.

It's unbelievable... this means that it is possible for someone not to be able to detect faces, while its ability to recognize other objects is left relatively intact. I wonder, how your life can be evolved with this disorder. The face is often what you would associate with the people around you, with events, with memories of past events; now if you don't have the ability to assign a face to symbolize these things in your mind, then what would you use as a symbol?

This opens up a question though; so many face detection methods can be generalized to object detection methods. If the mechanism for detecting faces is the same as all the other objects, then how is it that we operate differently? How can a face-blind person detect other objects then? Should we take these rare cases of brain damage patients more seriously, and perhaps, learn a lesson from it?

Perhaps there could be some overlap between face detetcion and object detetcion mechanisms; it's so puzzling though, I wonder if there is an object-blindness disorder as well...

2006-12-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Hayejanzadeam raje be zudtar residan be Iran...

Hayejanzadeam ke beram pishesho kolli baham dige hey behsinim harf bezanim! baad ... oon ye seri harf bezane, man ye seri harf bezanam!

Baad oon mano bebare coffeeshop haye bahalo hayejan angiz!

Ya inke bahash beram daneshgash karaye ajib gharib bokonam o dobare ehsas konam ke baham dige ye madrese mirim!!!

Ya inke khol shim o berim dobare tehrangardio jahaye random berim o ghaza bokhorim o bekhandim baad begim ma raftim folanja bebin cheghadr bahalim!!! :P

Baad kolli aks begirim o did haye mokhtalefe akso ke hamishe oon mibine...

Baad berim khoonashoon o... kolli maskhare bazi darbiyarimo o kholbaazio...

Baad berim too hayateshoon mesle rahnamayio dabirestan alaki bekhandim ke hame fek mikardan in do ta divunean! :P

Baad berim az un daste khiyabvoon chips e serke namaki begirim! :D beshinim roo pellehaye poshte asansor bokhorim!

Baad beshinim montazeresh ke biad o bekhandimo... kolli hayejan! Ba inke kaare poochi bud, va khodemoon ham midunestim, vali nemishe hayejan, va khandehasho enkaar kard ;)

Baad berim shahreketabe Niyavaran, hameye tabaghehasho bebinim...

Baad berim ghesmate ketabaye English o maskhare bazi darbiyarim o bekhandim

Beirm baraye ham dige cactus bekharim!

Baad berim ghesmate card hash... harkodom ye card vase khodemoon entekahb konim ke unyeki baramoon bekhare!!

Baad ham berim Mug hasho bebinim o nazar bedim... va az hame bahaltar ghesmate khodkar medad haash! vaay khodaaaaaaast!

Baad berim khooneye ma o roo takhte man deraz bekeshim o oonghadr harf bezanim ta khaste shim o khabaloo!!

Hamishe ham akharesh ya un diresh mishe o baayd bere... ya man...

Hamishe ham akharesh harfaye nesfe... karaye nakarde....

Va ba hameye inha, kolli harfhaye mizanim ke adam ba hichkas nemizane, va karayi mikonim ke ba hichkas nemikone...

Va kolli doostiye ghashang....

Neverland

2006-12-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

It's kind of ironic how right in the middle of the exam time I feel so happy, of course not due to my exams (LOL!) but in fact I think that is the time when I finally find the time to enjoy other things!! I think it's because I don't have a lot to do, I only have 3 things to do: study for my three exams, and I can manage it whatever I want; and sometimes it's not such a pressing thing since it's spread out in more than half a month ;)...

So I get the time to enjoy myself.. and you know... sometimes you just feel happy... a friend of mine tells me that I am the same child that I have always been and I have never grown up :) I like this idea :)

I was looking at some old photos today, and I noticed that in my cousin's 6th birthday, my brother and both my cousins were dancing hand in hand... the funny thing is, no matter how hard you beg any of these guys to dance now, you would never be able to persuade them! :P

It's really nice to pay a visit to neverland every now and then, and I think I am there right now, along with my best friends... that's the best part.... :) I am not being left out alone in the neverland, no, we all pay a visit to neverland together... in fact to each other's neverlands, or even to someone else's....

In neverland you're not afraid to show your pure emotions, the most innocent ones, the ridiculously happy moments, the silly jokes, the big teardrops... isn't it nice to know that there are other people whom I love there as well? that are not afraid to shed a tear when something touches their heart, that are always willing to run around the house for a silly laugh...

It sure is nice :)

UCLA student tasered in the library

2006-11-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

Wish you were here...

2006-10-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

Self-knowledge

2006-08-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

-By Khalil Gibran, The Prophet.

define: terrorism

2006-07-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

According to The Israel Project website: The FBI defines terrorism as "the unlawful use of force or violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives."

Now who is really being intimidated here?!!!

I just don't understand how the news agencies can ramble and ramble and ramble, saying that the Israelis are defending themselves, and that this is just an act of defense because two of their soldiers were caught. I mean, do the news agencies think we are idiots? Every time I hear the news, I feel like my intelligence is being deeply insulted!

Lebanon is completely ruined; Kofi Annan said today that there are 500,000 people displaced, many without food right now. What the news agencies mostly fail to broadcast is how Israel is defending its country by intimidating not only a segment of the Lebanese civilian population, but its whole entity! Well of course the Israelis have an end, and that's to achieve their political and social objective, to prove that they can kill as many civilians as they like.

Just remind me, what was the definition of terrorism?

Freedom of the swing

2006-07-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today, I was [accidentally!!!] woken up earlier than usual. The early morning weather is just something different. You can smell the freshness in it, it's no cliche, you can really smell it!!!

There was a playground right in the middle of the square. It started bringing back so many nice memories... all these scenes just passing through my mind... just like "The Final Cut" movie.

I sat in a swing, moving my feet and my body back and forth. Going up, all the way to the sky. You feel a sort of freedom that just brings everything in you out, puts it all aside, and lets you free from all the little things that are constantly occupying your mind. You start becoming who you really are, just swinging back and forth and with each swing, losing more of the external artifacts polluting your soul.

Sleepless II: more (irrelevant) thoughts

2006-07-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

Richard Bach said it so easily:
"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"

But hmmm... Is it really that simple? I mean, suppose we overcome space and time, suppose space and time lose their effect in our friendship, suppose our friendship becomes, as they say, eternal. Is that it though? Can't it be enhanced? Is this all there is to it? Just space and time? No you and me?

I think we're just infinite. Even if the space and time stop, there's still so much more to do, so much more you can never finish, you can never reach the eternal. There's so much in you, so much in me, that we'll never be able to explore.

Another thing: let's say our friendship, our belief in our relationship, becomes eternal, freed from space and time. Now how about my knowledge about you? Is that independent of space and time?

Sleepless I

2006-07-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

I finally got the energy from somewhere; I don't know where! I think it's because I'm thinking if I don't finish this, long weekend is going to be like crap! So I'm paying the price, staying up till now and doing work efficiently just to be able to get done with it.

I've almost done 2/3 of it. Another 1/3 is left. Right now it's 4:30 a.m. and I'm just working so efficiently because everyone is quiet. There's no sound. Nothing! Just the sound of my keyboard, along with the occasional groans of Tala, begging me to turn off the lights so that he can finally sleep. Well he does fall asleep, but he's such a light sleeper!! :P

Hmmm... I'm looking forward to tomorrow (I should say today!!). I'm planning to have lots of fun in the next 2 (or maybe 3, or actually maybe 4) days!!! :D If I can only get this over with...

Well I'm not complaining; it's really good for my near future :)

California!

2006-06-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

So I am finally in California. I'm soo tired (most of you guys have already heard this from me 100000 times now!)... but in any case, it's just tiresome.. I donno why... I guess it's because in APL we're not exactly SITTING by the computer all day long, but instead jumping and running around the lab!!

and then we go downstairs to get some coffee, go to Sam's office to make some tea, laugh a little bit, and come back, and then it's not like we've already wasted so much time and we want to actually get some work done! NO! we're still running around the lab, and finally when we sit, we start sending msgs on msn and gmail! :D

Well, all the same, we still got work done, and in fact learn a lot (using caffeine and working our asses off at nights!)

Here, I'm sitting by a computer and I'm not exactly bored (!!), but just tired. You know, I feel like I want to go somewhere and sit there and just do what I wanna do for like half a day or a full day. I mean, I don't want anyone talking or interrupting or anything. I wanna do what I want to do! and then inhale some fresh air, get some energy, and get back on track.

At the same time, I am excited about all the new people, the environment and everything else. But I just feel like I'm overwhelmed right now... need to relax a little bit.

I rented a car, guess what? A red malibu!!! [;) I didn't ask for it! hehe!]

And once again:

Propaganda!!!!

2006-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

I had to make a one-day trip from Toronto to LA. First off, there was the fingerprinting. That's a given considering the high correlation between being a terrorist and one's place of birth!

Later on, while waiting for my flight, I heard this on the CNN: "Are Iranian spies watching New York?" PROPAGANDA!!! And this was announced in the headlines section without further explanation! Ten minutes later, further explanation followed, only to prove that the headline was, expectedly, nothing but random guesses!!! All they knew was that maybe someone was watching some tower, and this may or may not be related to the Iranian government actually spying in New York, which is obviously, for nothing but to plan a terrorist attack!!! Of course this news, or shall I say gossip wrapped with mystery, is announced in the early morning headlines!!!

A few hours later, on the way back to Toronto, I noticed there was a code on my boarding pass, indicating "SSSS". And this is not the first time I have seen this on my boarding card! No! This has happened every time for the past couple of times!! Now what does this code mean? This means that we have been selected for a "Random" security check (Everyone that is marked with this code must be physically screened and have all their belongings searched thoroughly). The selection process was in fact so random that everyone in the special screening area spoke Farsi! (Using the ECE lingo, I guess if the countries were listed on the x-axis, the PDF of this random variable would be a delta function!)

Discrimination, disguised under America’s deep concern for the security of this great nation, and of course world-wide peace…

Moment of Reflection

2006-05-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

I need some time, to think and to talk and to be...

* This post has a photo, but I'm not putting it in my photoblog because I am not the photographer.

Silence

2006-03-31T18:45:00.000-08:00

I had so many thoughts in mind, so many things I could say. A voice within me, it was speaking, an active voice. But alas, none of the words vibrated my vocal cords...

Intimidated? or just shy?
What is it caused by?

Lack of confidence in the self?
Lack of confidence in one's knowledge?
Lack of confidence in one's ability to reason, and to defend one's ideas?
Is it caused by bad previous experience or lack thereof?

How can it be attacked?

Yesterday when I started writing the first paragraph of this post I had a very negative view of myself. But then when I decided to complete it now, my brain followed a more logical pathway. There sure is a reason for behaving this way, and if so, there might be a way to control it.

lies

2006-03-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

Grown ups. Complications. Lies. Friendships shatter with lies. Internally of course, nothing should be shown, nobody should know about it. Cover everything! It's such a thick mask that you, yes yourself!, would even forget about its existence! Well it's already expected, you build up an image of your friendships and relationships so perfect that you actually believe it yourself. You start believing that your friendships are actually defined the way you think they're defined.

Yes, I have always feared growing up, for so many various reasons. And one of these reasons has always been getting used to lies, having friendships that are not transparent. I've feared this sooooooo much, and I always keep on thinking: well no one should do this, true friends never need to lie to each other because they understand each other. No this is a lie itself!!! Or maybe it's not, it's just too ideal. Too good to be true. Too hard to find.

Lies. That's all there is to growing up. It's important for you to wear your mask, and wear it tight. Play your roles, the way you have defined them.

And if you don't like playing this game, well too bad! You're already labelled with all the labels you can afford: she's dumb, she doesn't know what to say and what not to say, she doesn't think before talking, and the list goes on. You have to play this game as well, at least for other people, if not for yourself. Otherwise you're easily isolated from the rest of the world.

ای بازیگر گریه نکن
ما همه مون مثل همیم
صبح ها که از خواب پا می شیم
نقاب به صورت می زنیم

یکی معلم می شه و
یکی می شی خونه به دوش
یکی ترانه ساز می شه
یکی می شه غزل فروش

کهنه نقاب زندگی
تا شب تو صورت های ماست
گریه های پشت نقاب
مثل همیشه بی صداست

هر کسی هستی یه دفعه
پر بکش از پشت نقاب
از رو نوشته حرف نزن
رها شو از حیله خواب
نقش یک دریچه رو
رو میله قفس بکش
برای یک بار که شده
جای خودت بکس بکش

کاش که می شد تو زندگی
ما خودمون باشیم و بس
حتی برای یک نگاه
حتی برای یک نفس

تا کی به جای خودمون
نگاه ما حرف بزنه
تا کی سکوت و رج زدن
نقش نمایش منه

هر کسی هستی یه دفعه
پر بکش از پشت نقاب
از رو نوشته حرف نزن
رها شو از حیله خواب
نقش یک دریچه رو
رو میله قفس بکش
برای یک بار که شده
جای خودت بکس بکش

می خوام همین ترانه رو
رو صحنه فریاد بزنم
نقابم و پاره کنم
جای خودم داد بزنم

سقف

2006-03-05T21:42:00.000-08:00

تو فکر یک سقفم
یک سقف بی روزن
یه سقف پا برجا
محکم تر از آهن

سقفی که تن پوش هراس ما باشه
تو سردی شب ها لباس ما باشه

سقفی اندازه قلب من و تو
واسه لمس تپش دلواپسی
برای شرم لطیف لحظه ها
واسه پیچیدن بوی اطلسی

زیر این سقف با تو از گل از از شب و ستاره می گم
از تو و از خواستن تو میگم و دوباره می گم
زندگیمو زیر این سقف با تو اندازه می گیرم
گم می شم تو معنی تو، معنی تازه می گیرم

سقفمون افسوس و افسوس
تن ابر آسمونه
یه افق، یه بی نهایت
کمترین فاصلمونه

تو فکر یک سقفم
یه سقف رویایی
سقفی برای ما
حتی مقوایی

تو فکر یک سقفم
یک سقف بی روزن
سقفی برای عشق
برای تو با من

سقفی اندازه قلب من و تو
واسه لمس تپش دلواپسی
براس شرم لطیف آینه ها
واسه پیچیدن بوی اطلسی
زیر این سقف، اگه باشه، پر می شه از گرمای تو
لختی پنجره هاشو می پوشونه دستای تو
زیر این سقف خوبه عطر خود فراموشی بپاشیم
آخر قصه بخوابیم اول ترانه پاشیم

سقفمون افسوس و افسوس
تن ابر آسمونه
یه اقف یه با نهایت
کمترین فلصامونه

تو فکر یک سقفم
...

Summary

2006-02-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

Passion
Friendship
Farhad
Photography
[ ]
...
!!!

Pretty clear description of my current mood :D
Wish I could add Ski to the above list as well! :(

I don't know why, but at this time of the year, farhad feels soooo good. It just speaks my mind. I want to listen to it all day long. I love it!!!

I got a few complaints about my return. Well, yes, I have been pretty lazy in terms of writing in this blog; actually I have a lot of drafts saved, but I just don't feel like any of them are suitable for posting. Instead, I find it very easy to express myself in my photoblog. It is really fulfilling for me to post something there; a photo that reflects my inner self, along with a few lines, from a poem, or from myself.

Sometimes I look at the photo, and just write whatever comes to me. But then at other times, when I hear something nice that reflects my feelings or thoughts, I feel like I want to post it along with a photo. So I go and look to find if any of the photos I have taken match the text. If not, then I gotta get up and take my camera outside! :D

So check it out here. Don't know if you'll enjoy it as much as I do; after all, it's all in the eye of the beholder!

Return!

2006-02-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote here. I don't know why, I feel the urge to write here from time to time, but it hasn't been strong enough to make me do it. There are a lot of things on my mind that I want to write so that I can organize and structure my thoughts, but I feel sort of insecure about writing them here. Although I would very much appreciate it if someone could give me comments on my unwritten confusions, I feel obliged to keep them to myself. I should correct myself: maybe I don't feel insecure, maybe I just don't write them here because they are too sacred, as once one of my friends said. They are too sacred to be shared with anyone else but the bearers of the memory.

Anyways, what have I been up to? FUN! Lots of it! In tonnes! and not much studying :( well yeah, from the time I got back from Iran, I have been involved in arranging/attending different things! First the ski trip, then arranging the surprise party, and so on. All these little things keep on happening as well . It's been good so far.

I really liked skiing, I feel a sort of freedom, and challenge, both at the same time. The challenge component of it has been dominant for now, since my muscles are almost non-existant! But I see the freedom part of it coming along the way! It's something more or less like riding a bike. You need to know the rules to start doing it, but after that, it's just intuitive and you gotta develop your own way of doing it; and when you do that, oh you feel the breeze on your face and there's this feeling of freedom overtaking all your body! The same feeling that arises when you're driving 100 km/h on mount pleasant with an open sunroof and an open window! Or maybe even better!

Tingling

2005-11-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

Alone vs. Lonely

I'm not alone.

I don't know if I am lonely or not.

My friends, they don't talk to me. I don't make them feel good. I am NOT a positive existence for the world around me. Hmmm... I have a very weird feeling, like a sort of disappointment. All my body is kind of tingling. Weird feeling. Why?

Tingly feeling: So familiar, yet so far away from present. What is it? What does it mean? The last time I remember I had this feeling was a long time ago. It doesn't feel good. You need someone to believe in you, or maybe someone who calms you down. It's all about the SELF, you know, even when the issue is about the people around you, it's not actually it!! It's just a mask!! It's all about the self! So Selfish!!

My definition of friendship has changed, well not really. I mean, my definiton is still in the same context, but its limits have chnaged.

When my friends don't feel good, I can't help them. Why is it that some people become so important in my life? I care so much about them. Do they care about me to the same extent?

When I feel bad, my friends have helped me a lot. Is it because I believe in them, and truly accept that their opinions and ideas may be actually useful? Well, my friends have helped me A LOT when I feel bad. I try to help them too, with the same energy that they put in when they listen to me and help me. But alas, I feel exhausted, because I get the impression that all my effort is for nothing, for they don't really care about what I have to say. Or maybe it's just that what I say is so fucking stupid. The impression I get all the time is that what I talk about does not seem practical to my friends, basically, my comments seem useless to them.

What does it mean to have a tingly feeling all over your body?

Quest for a vision: Part II

2005-11-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

But wait a minute; is there really any difference between my field and other ones? I mean, would I be satisfied if I studied something else? No I know I wouldn't be! Why? Because I used to love this field, and now that it's lost its freshness, it all seems so repetitive and ordinary to me.

As banafsheh pointed out, I think I have not found my #1 passion. I like anything that's new, but after the freshness is gone, so is my thrill and enthusiasm.

I'm not thrilled by the creativity involved with solving electronic circuits anymore. But at the same time, I am excited about my fields & waves course because it's not a continuation of anything I've studied before. I have become so enthusiastic about it! But then I say to myself: "You used to feel like that for other courses before, but not anymore! So why bother?" It's all so futile! Everything loses its freshness, doesn't it? And then it's all dull. I am almost certain that any other area would just become as dull as electrical engineering has become for me, if not more. It's just that I don't know anything about those areas and I feel like there's an unknown world that I want to discover. The mystery is calling me forward.

I don't see myself as being an engineer. I don't know what my life would be like in 10 years! I can't imagine myself in 10 years! Not even in 5 years! I mean, life is not school! It's not electrical engineering! It doesn't become dull and boring like my courses. Life is composed of moments, of friends, of those you love, of scenes you enjoy. Life is not (or at least, should not be) artificial.

Life is alive.

Satisfaction from work is also a part of life. But it's not life. It's always something to the side. Sometimes I feel so ambitious, I feel like I have so many goals in my life!! But at the same time, if you think about it, that's just my career accomplishment, and I have come to the conclusion that my career accomplishments will not be my life.

I need to define a vision for my life.

Quest for a vision: Part I

2005-11-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

When I study in the library, I see other people, from other disciplines, each studying something: philosophy, psychology, sociology, economy, etc. All these subjects are tangible in our everyday life. Their understanding involves living creatures. But when I bring out my textbook, it's titled: "Microelectronic Circuits".

I have always been certain that I want to study Electrical Engineering. However, I have lost my certainty recently. There is a sense of absurdity associated with everything I see. It has occurred to me that my field is actually very useless, because you're just isolating yourself in an abstract world of "man-made things"(quote from a friend ;)). We are living in a world of circuits, math, and artificial goods. It’s not that I hate studying ECE, it’s just that I’m not thrilled by it anymore. I'm not satisfied with designing an electrical system! It feels like I am separated from the world.

P.S. Started reading memoirs of a geisha! I like it so far, and am also looking forward to reading the other books :D

blogging

2005-10-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I mean, I'm confused. OK this is the thing: When I post photos in my photoblog, I post it for myself. I feel like it gives me a happiness to post things there. Also, more people give me comments on my photos, and my photoblog looks very nice:D So it's a satisfying feeling. However, there are other times when I feel the urge to just write something here, not in the photoblog.

And recently I have been feeling like that a lot. HOWEVER, I don't know why I am not satisfied with it. I feel like no one is reading my posts here. I know, you post for yourself, just to talk, just to organize your thoughts, make your mind free. I do this. It's very good. But the thing is, I post things here when my mind is occupied, I shape my ideas and feelings here, which is very very good. BUT I also need some sort of response. I wanna see what other people (not everyone of course, but a few) think about what I had to say. And I don't get the response.

I want to get involved in some sort of discussion about my post. It's just that I wanna see a discussion going on here. It's kinda nostalgic, cuz I get reminded of myself back in grades 8-10, when I was sooo involved in different discussions with my friends, when I was always questioning everything in my life, searching for an answer, for everything!! And back then, my life was soo dynamic!! I want that in my life back again. Don't know where to start from.

I want to read a book. A good book! Someone give me an idea pleaaaaase! I really want it!!

Reflection

2005-10-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

WARNING: LONG POST!

I've noticed that I have been learning more and more about myself through interaction with the people around me. I mean, sometimes I react to certain events in a way that even surprise me! Not that I am totally unpredictable or anything, (LOL even to myself), but it's just that I don't really have a concrete definition of "ME". Although it isn't necessary (and is even futile) to try to define oneself in every aspect, it's important for a person to know the self.

Aside: Don't confuse this with building a model of yourself and restraining yourself to it, because if you leave no room for flexibility, you're a dead person, there's no enthusiasm, no surprise, no excitement, and thus, no life.

Back to the topic: As I interact with people, I have noticed that some of my behaviors do not have any basis; I mean, if someone asks me "Why did you do this when that happened?" I would have no answer. It's good that I have realized this, cuz now I try to search for a reason why I behave in the way I do, and in case I don't find any reason, at least I find out what I would rather see in my behavior instead of the default one.

There was a stage in my life when I defined certain things for myself, and found the answer to some of my questions. Alas, I have not continued that scheme. So now I feel like I need to reflect back more in the things I do, and why I do them. Recently, there have been dilemmas again in my mind, and I have to sort them out. I have to think about them, reason them out. If these dilemmas are not sorted out, if my questions are not answered, then I do not have a strong personality, I do not have a character. In that case, I swing from one behavior to the other, even totally opposite ones, as I interact with different people. Although I see a reflection of what I am through interaction with the people around me, their behavior should not be my dominant source of inspiration!

However, I have one main characteristic (that I do know about!), and that is that I can't think silent. I mean, when I am processing information and searching for answers through logical reasoning, I need it to be out loud. I need to be involved in an argument. Otherwise my mind just sits back and relaxes! So now we need to trigger this sleeping mind to do some thinking, to get into arguments, dilemmas, discussions and challenges again!

Some methods I can think of are: writing in this blog, talking to a friend and reading a book. Give me ideas!

Thought Efficiency

2005-10-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

Recently, my mind just wanders around. It's not like before. Like you know, sometimes, let's say when I was blow drying my hair or brushing my teeth, I didn't really think about anything. My mind was sort of like a vacuum... empty, nothing in it. At certain times during the day, I reached this state when I thought about nothing! It felt kinda good, cuz my mind relaxed. But it's been about two weeks or so that my mind has been working non-stop. Even when I brush my teeth!

My mind is constantly thinking, not even about important things, but actually about trivial matters! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I was actually thinking about something ineteresting or important! It's just that I can't NOT THINK when I'm brushing my teeth! May sound funny (it kinda is!) but it has actually made me kind of worried. I mean, why do I think about such trivial things sooo much? Why is that thinking about non-important things takes up soo much energy of our mind?

Don't try to say that if you were a deep person you wouldn't have these problems! In fact, what I'm saying is that no matter how sophisticated your inetellect is, you are still spending an enormous amount of energy thinking about things that are of no value! They shouldn't take up your energy!

I don't think realizing that I am thinking during brushing my teeth, as opposed to just giving my mind a break, means anything with regards to the depth of my mental activities. It has only banged a hammer in my head, reminding me that I shouldn't spend sooo much time on unimportant stuff; but alas, nobody can stop thinking about unimportant matters, I think it's physically impossible. There has to be some wasted energy. You cannot have 100% output efficiency, right?

My medium of communication

2005-10-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

Haven't written here much, cuz I don't really feel the urge to write here. Anyways, I decided to do it today, still don't know why! Have posted a few recent photos on my photoblog.
I think posting photos makes me feel better, cuz when you take a photo, then you kind of make an inner connection with it. So you have something to say about it, it's sort of like a medium to transmit your feelings and thoughts. Without it, I'm bound to use words, and it's hard for me to find a reflection of my thoughts in words. If I had even the slighest expertise in the art of articulation it would be a lot easier for me. As of now, I can't find a true reflection of my thoughts in words.
So checkout my photoblog. ;).

No that is not the point of this post! Rambling, rambling, on and on.

Well let me tell a bit about myself and my life. School has been going on for more than a month now, and I'm happy that I haven't had a chance to experience it to the full extent YET! However, as of next week I will be pretty screwed with the rush of midterms and labs.

I have been trying to keep up with the keep-up-the-energy policy more or less. Feels goooood :D

زمان

2005-09-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

"زمان، در آن اغتشاش و آشفتگی، در آن جا به جایی نا معقول چیزها، در آن ترکیب و تجزیه و تکثیرهای خارج از قانون و قاعده، معنای همیشکیش را ندارد و به روز و شب و ساعت و دقیقه تقسیم نمی شود. انگار به آخرین لحظه رسیده ایم، آن وقت مرموز نهایی، انباشته از هیچ، لبریز از سکوت و تاریکی، آن دقیقه صامت و ثابت ابدی، آن سوی تمام دقیقه های هستی، پشت تاریخ و زندگی.
نمی دانیم چه روزی از هفته و چه فصلی و چه سالی است.
نمی دانیم که آیا آفتاب برخواسته و یا همچنان ادامه تاریکی دیرین است. دیروز و پریروزمان را گم کرده ایم و آینده را با شمارش نفس های متلاطم تخمین می زنیم."

خاطره های پراکنده - گلی ترقی

but WHY!!

2005-09-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

why??? why why why why why?
Am I too negative?
Am I not open enough?

I donno! But I keep on thinking why why why...

topic?!?!?!?!?!

2005-09-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

So school has started, and all the work is gradually piling up. I haven't done much yet, but I think I have to get started pretty soon.
I finally did it! I got tickets to the toronto international film festival! I'm gonna see three movies!!!!!!:D It feels good, doing something different, that I have wanted to do for so long, but never did cuz i have always been too lazy (?). Anyways, this is going to be fun! :D

I wanna do different things, things I haven't done. I'm gonna get more active, actually doing things that I always think would be fun if I did. Photography is one of those things I wanna continue doing. I've stopped it for a while, but I'm gonna improve my skills! I love it!
It's just awesome to see your photos after they turn out the way you want it.

Another thing that I wanna do is to be physically active. That keeps me fresh! :D This year I hope is gonna be different from all the past years. I wanna be full of energy!

Does this post sound kinda fake? Cuz it's not! but if I read this on some other person's blog, I would say: "How fake! how silly!" well what I feel right now is definitely not fake! just take note of that!

By the way, this post was labeled "school", but then I realized I haven't written much about school. Someone pointed out to me that it should be "school & movies", but that isn't quite to the point either since that's not exactly what I have talked about here!
So any suggestions for topics? I've been having trouble recently choosing my post topics!

Better topic?

2005-09-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

I should have called the previous post something else, at least not "School". Cuz I realized it has nothing to do with school. Maybe "Life", or "Internal Revolution", or something like that might have sounded more appropriate right?!!

School

2005-09-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

School started, just like the past two years. But everything else is different. Everything else is changing. I'm gonna have a whole new type of life in front of me. Some parts of my life, that I appreciate the most, are gonna be missing from my life. I don't know how that will affect me. How strong am I, as an individual? How can I handle the situation?
How can those who love me handle it?
Tomorrow, a lot of things will change, and new set of rules for my life will come into being. I will try my best to like the life ahead of me, at least I am looking at it positively now. I am planning to get the most out of it...
A first step for my new life is developing bigger circles of friends. I don't wanna feel alone, and it's important to fill up your leisure time with fun. I wanna keep up the fun, I wanna be full of energy; I wanna become a source of energy.

Bored...

2005-09-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today I am bored. Why? I don't know!
However, it's not just a feeling of being bored, it's mixed with loneliness, and just you know, an ordinary life that I foresee for myself in the upcoming days, or rather, months. I don't like it... I want to define my life, but I think I don't have the power for it. Do I?
It's not like I don't like school, I love my courses, but I want the feeling that I had back in my highschool, the feeling that you have friends around you, not just a few, but you know, different groups of them that you can just have fun with them, laugh and talk with them, etc.
You know how I wanna define it? Okay, I wanna have my OWN moments of loneliness, there are things that I wanna do all by myself, alone, with no one else's presenece. I wanna devote some time to myself, to reflect, to think, to organize my life, the way I want it. But then, I also wanna have a FUN social life. A very active one indeed. I want a social life, and I think I had it in the summer, but I believe I will lose it again during the semesters, not so because I am busy studying, but because it's hard to get in touch with people and plan something out fun!
Right now, it's still easy I guess, to an extent, but I;m busy myself. But I know as soon as I am not busy, other people are going to be busy. The other thing is that I don't know that many people very well... I mean, I haven't socialized much in my classrooms, have I? that's the question I keep on asking myself today. I think I wanted more, but I don't have it. I wanna have more friends I can have fun with, and be comfortable with, so that I don't have to beg everyone to come with me when I don't wanna go somewhere alone. I should know people that are closer in characteristics to me; I should not be begging any one that is available to come with me, just so that I'm not alone.

talk talk talk blah blah blah...
I'm bored today. I so wanted to like, go to a simple coffeeshop with a few friends, and you know talk about miscallaneous stuff. But I felt like I don't belong.

Wish me luck

2005-09-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

wish me luck... I hope all goes well....
I'm coming back to Toronto on sunday night, it's gonna be a pretty busy week since I have to get ready for school and pack up my stuff and go to residence, and a lot more to do!
Recently I haven't posted anything here... or in the photoblog.. I have more enthusiasm for posting things in my photoblog, but it's just that I have no new photos since I'm home all day long... but if I get the time (and the photos), I will definitely update my photoblog.... yeah, good idea!

Home alone!

2005-08-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hello!
Now it's just me & Tala! He's so depressed, cuz we've been leaving him to other people recently a lot since we had to travel back and forth... I'm trying to get him out of depression, but I donno... I mean, if I have to leave again by the end of the week, he will begin to be depressed again :(
Oh and by the way, I finally made my choice! I'm gonna take economy 100 for the HSS/CS course next year! Is that a wise decision or not? I mean, I like economy, and it has math so it shouldn't be hard right?
comments?

I'm Back??!!!

2005-08-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

Khello!
I'm back! in T.O. ... quite surprisingly!
well... I didn't make up my mind with 100% certainty... up to now, the decisions that I have made in my life (if I indeed have had enough control over it) have always been made in a state of more or less certainty. What I mean is that, at the time I was making a decision, I have believed in what I was doing, and was sure to get it done. Usually, the case for me had always been to persuade others that the decision that I am making is the correct one. However, this time it has been completely different. I had two choices, each of which had a fair amount of advantages and some disadvantages. The decision-making was left solely to me. No external influences involved. Of course you can never say there are no external influences, because my environment, my family and my friends have played a great role in my decision. But none of them dictated to me what I should do, nor pushed me towards a certain decision with authorativeness.
The difficulty of this task, however, was not solely because I was given the power to decide, but because I was given the power to decide on such a delicate matter in a case where both of the options had their own advantages and disadvantages. I couldn't easily say which one outweighs the other one. I can't even say whether I have made the right choice or not, not even at this point in time. Another important thing was that I didn't have enough time to think over my two choices.
Now I have decided, rather, the decision has been made. I do not know who made the decision! Was it me? Or did it just happen that way? I know that no one else did, but I don't recall a moment where I said to myself: "Okay, let's go with this one!". I keep on rewinding back in my memory, but I can't find anything that resembles such a statement!
Don't be mistaken, I am not complaining! As I said, both of the situations have their advantages and disadvantages: neither one is bad! I would benefit from either one of them, maybe differently I guess...
Now there are people that I care about, and I especially care about how they think of me. I always say to people: you shouldn't really give that much value to how people think of you, but this time it's totally different. If there are a handful people whose opinion about me actually matters and makes a difference, it's them! I'm afraid that my action in this process has defined me in a way that I never thought it would. I'm afraid that what I have done has said things about who I am that are not necessraily correct. Or maybe they are correct, but I definitely DO NOT want them to be correct.
So now I'm back, with many questions in my mind, even more than before I leave... One of my good friends told me that no matter what decision I make, it will be the good one and the correct one. Another good friend told me that the important thing now is to be firm and move in the chosen direction with strength, no matter what has been chosen. I will try to believe as the first friend said, and act as the second one said...
Hopefully it will be a happy ending...

2005-08-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

A photo taken from the blue shaky tiles in a water pond.
Pretty neat demonstration of my state of mind...

Timetable...

2005-08-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today I've been trying SOO hard to fix this time table problem. I've been playing around with the courses, but I can't get it all right! I mean, for the winter term, it was pretty easy to fit it all and decide (of course I don't have many options there!), but for the fall term, it's harder! and I'm kinda nervous about not being able to get the courses that I want since this is my first time actually registering for my own courses online. Plus, I am not sure whether I'm gonna have a reliable internet connection here, and that makes me worry more.
So I spent all morning trying to fix the timetable problems. I left home at about 4 p.m. Did nothing, kinda feel unactive! I feel like I have extra physical energy that I wanna get rid of! (No mental energy to get rid of though!)
Actually, to save some mental energy, I usually decide to just stall the energy-consuming processes in my mind (which are increasing in number these days!). Currently, I have numerous, huge stalled processes sitting around my brain, waiting in line for being processed, but I'm busy writing my blog, walking, sleeping AND breathing, so I've got no time for them...
I tried uploading photos on this blog, but couldn't get it right... does anyone know how?

First Post!

2005-08-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ok so, I'm writing my first post here with a very typical title: "First Post!". I guess everyone who wanted to write a first post, would give it the same title.
Anyways, if you're reading my blog, it's because you know me. So I use this space to update all of you.
First of all, I'm here in L.A. now. So I went to work out the transfer credits. At first glance, it all looks pretty complicated, and they're telling me that it might take me more than 2 years to finish my bachelors. If that's what's gonna happen, I'm coming back! But there's still some backdoors open for negotiation. So we'll have to see how it goes.
So here, they're telling me to take a lot of general courses: a couple english and social issues courses, 3 physics, 1 chemistry. Another stupid course that they are telling me to take is called: Electricity, Magnetism & Optics. They have accepted my 2nd year EM course, but my first year one they haven't, because it did not have an optics component!!! I'm sure their optics component is like 1 chapter at the most! There's also a couple other courses like that that they are telling me to re-take. But besides these, they have accepted 4-5 of my 2nd year ECE courses as their 3rd year level courses.
So right now, I'm kinda disappointed, and have started thinking more seriously about coming back. But I'm still not sure... we'll have to see what happens! I'm still very confused, and will probably have a better idea by early next week.
I'll keep u guys updated here!

I went to this seafood restaurant by the ocean last night, and when you asked them to pack your food, they came with golden-coloured foils by your table and packed your food in some cartoonish form, like a whale, or a fish or a duck! It was so nice! I personally got a duck, but I preferred to get a whale!!