there is no pain you are receding
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon
you are only coming through in waves
your lips move
but I can't hear what you're saying
especially love it when it says: there is no pain you are receding. simply fabulous!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Daydreaming... uncovered!
So I went to Goli Taraghi's first lecture today (she's teaching a class called Women in Modern Iranian Literature at Stanford this quarter). The class awesome (and I'm obviously excited!). You wouldn't call the class a big one, since there were only 6 of us in class + goli.
She said something that totally woke me up... she started out by ing about the conflicts that exist in the literature (and in particular Persian literature), starting from the man vs. woman conflict, and then moving on to the conflict between the modern woman and the traditional woman (which could be inside the same woman!). Then she said how women after the revolution were confused, since they were liberated once before the revolution, and then covered again after the revolution. She said that the woman in this era is a confused woman, a woman divided between modernity and tradition. The main question is a question of identity, of the "Who am I?". The woman does not know her identity, and this confusion leads to her indecisiveness: the woman cannot make decisions, and cannot change her life. But she can do one thing, and that is to "daydream", to dream about what she wants to be, what she wants to do, and what she can become. So she spends her time daydreaming on and on... and as a result, most of her conversations are monologues as opposed to dialogues.
When she was talking about all of these, I just realized how much of it applies to me. I felt like she is talking about me. I don't want to say that I am confused between modernity and tradition (though that may be true in some situations, and I shouldn't deny it!), but maybe the more tangible confusion that I feel is my confusion about my career, about my goals. Every day in an out, I feel confused about what I am. I am in a research lab, but I feel like I haven't really decided on my identity here. I feel like other people in the lab are determined to do what they are doing, and they relate to their academic selves. Not me! I keep on thinking about my "options", and how I should explore and search for my ideal career, my ideal identity. And in the meanwhile I am just too busy doing research to have any quality time for this identity exploration business. This confusion has made me indecisive and submissive, and I have become that woman. I cannot focus as much as I used to. When I sit in talks, in classes, and in lectures, I start daydreaming before I can even notice it! I wander in my thoughts, away into my ideal world where I have a strong, smart, and respectable identity. Where I am not afraid to voice my opinion and do not feel intimidated (This is not to say that those around me intimidate me, rather, my confusion steals away my identity, which in turns results in my lack of self-esteem)...
caught myself yesterday in the midst of my daydreams. I was sitting in a talk and my co-adviser walks in. He goes in and sits in front of my adviser, which is sitting in front of me. So then I start thinking about the fact that he is my co-adviser, and that he is sitting in front of my adviser, and that I am sitting behind both of them, and that I should probably go and talk to him some time soon, and then I thought about what it means for me to have these two people as my adviser and co-adviser. Then I thought about what successful students have become, and what would it be like if I come back to Stanford in a couple years to give a talk, how would they treat me, etc.... and it went on and on, and then I suddenly noticed that the presenter has changed the slide! So this time (fortunately) I caught myself and concentrated on the presentation again. This happens to me all the time, and before I know it, I fall asleep in classes, talks and lectures which I presumably attend on a voluntary basis!
So when she talked about confusion leading to indecisiveness leading to daydreaming, it all made sense to me! All of a sudden everything just seemed to click. And I felt so stupid for not having noticed it before...
So what am I planning to do about this? How should I resolve my confusion, and how should I find my identity (for now, in the context of school and career)? This is still an open question... I think I know too many solutions, but to actually give them a try is a different story...
Thanks Goli for clearing things up for me!
She said something that totally woke me up... she started out by ing about the conflicts that exist in the literature (and in particular Persian literature), starting from the man vs. woman conflict, and then moving on to the conflict between the modern woman and the traditional woman (which could be inside the same woman!). Then she said how women after the revolution were confused, since they were liberated once before the revolution, and then covered again after the revolution. She said that the woman in this era is a confused woman, a woman divided between modernity and tradition. The main question is a question of identity, of the "Who am I?". The woman does not know her identity, and this confusion leads to her indecisiveness: the woman cannot make decisions, and cannot change her life. But she can do one thing, and that is to "daydream", to dream about what she wants to be, what she wants to do, and what she can become. So she spends her time daydreaming on and on... and as a result, most of her conversations are monologues as opposed to dialogues.
When she was talking about all of these, I just realized how much of it applies to me. I felt like she is talking about me. I don't want to say that I am confused between modernity and tradition (though that may be true in some situations, and I shouldn't deny it!), but maybe the more tangible confusion that I feel is my confusion about my career, about my goals. Every day in an out, I feel confused about what I am. I am in a research lab, but I feel like I haven't really decided on my identity here. I feel like other people in the lab are determined to do what they are doing, and they relate to their academic selves. Not me! I keep on thinking about my "options", and how I should explore and search for my ideal career, my ideal identity. And in the meanwhile I am just too busy doing research to have any quality time for this identity exploration business. This confusion has made me indecisive and submissive, and I have become that woman. I cannot focus as much as I used to. When I sit in talks, in classes, and in lectures, I start daydreaming before I can even notice it! I wander in my thoughts, away into my ideal world where I have a strong, smart, and respectable identity. Where I am not afraid to voice my opinion and do not feel intimidated (This is not to say that those around me intimidate me, rather, my confusion steals away my identity, which in turns results in my lack of self-esteem)...
caught myself yesterday in the midst of my daydreams. I was sitting in a talk and my co-adviser walks in. He goes in and sits in front of my adviser, which is sitting in front of me. So then I start thinking about the fact that he is my co-adviser, and that he is sitting in front of my adviser, and that I am sitting behind both of them, and that I should probably go and talk to him some time soon, and then I thought about what it means for me to have these two people as my adviser and co-adviser. Then I thought about what successful students have become, and what would it be like if I come back to Stanford in a couple years to give a talk, how would they treat me, etc.... and it went on and on, and then I suddenly noticed that the presenter has changed the slide! So this time (fortunately) I caught myself and concentrated on the presentation again. This happens to me all the time, and before I know it, I fall asleep in classes, talks and lectures which I presumably attend on a voluntary basis!
So when she talked about confusion leading to indecisiveness leading to daydreaming, it all made sense to me! All of a sudden everything just seemed to click. And I felt so stupid for not having noticed it before...
So what am I planning to do about this? How should I resolve my confusion, and how should I find my identity (for now, in the context of school and career)? This is still an open question... I think I know too many solutions, but to actually give them a try is a different story...
Thanks Goli for clearing things up for me!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
25th Birthday
My 25th Birthday is coming up, and what I long the most is to be close to my dearest friends... I wish I could once again daydream for days about what to do for my birthday, talk about it at length with my friends, plan a 1000 things and get extremely excited, write up a list of people to invite (and not to invite!) a month in advance :D ...
fun times! we could just ask people to come over, dance and jump up and down till we were tired, or play games, or we just spent the night laughing so hard until our stomachs hurt! Or I wish I could just go out to a cute little jazz bar, where I could truly enjoy my time with a few of my close friends... drink a little, and eat a little, and just float in the air!
I wish I could have all those people that I love in my birthday party, there are SO many of you, and I miss you all so much... I wish I could talk to you about what to do, and get excited about it with you :D not just about my birthday, but about all the things that have been happening in my life in the past year, the excitements, the worries, the waitings, ...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Roozi ke raft bar bad, roozi ke mand dar yaad
It's exactly one year since I went to Kiosk's concert last year in Toronto. I had an amazing time, and heard some original persian music in an amazing crowd :) This year, I went to Mohsen Namjoo's much-anticipated concert in San Francisco's Palace of Fine Arts. It was an amazing performance, an unforgettable experience, and again, a wonderful crowd :) I wish all my friends were there with me to share this!
It's amazing how creative Iranian musicians have become, each in their own genre, to produce such amazing and touching pieces of art. I love how the Iranian music is getting out of the ordinary, allowing new thoughts and new trends to be injected in our veins, to feed our hearts and our soul. You just have to open up your ears, your mind, and your heart :)
In Kiosk's concert, I went with a group of friends and we sang all the songs from the beginning to the end! The crowd was crazy for Kiosk, and they were amazing. We all sang out the "Bitarbiat" song, so loud that we couldn't even hear ourselves anymore. After the concert, we headed to the Distillery District with a larger group of friends, but the few of us knew that the rest were not excited enough about the music, and were not at all interested in meeting the band! So later we decided to chase the actors to the milestone's restaurant in North York, and we spent around an hour walking around the milstone's patio, discussing whether we should join the reception or avoid the embarrassment! And of course in the end we just decided to leave ;) Nevertheless, we had an amazing time :)
I went to 127's concert in March in Berkeley with a couple of my friends who were highly excited about the concert. I had an amazing night there as well. It was a much smaller concert in an underground bar, but the crowd energy level was extremely high, and the artists interacted with the audience at a more personal level. The trombone player was the best! Again, I sang all their songs out loud, and loved their performance :) I also got their autograph on my CD, as well as a photo with the band :)
Only a few days ago I went to Namjoo's concert in San Francisco with my family, who are extremely excited about Namjoo as well. I also met a lot of my friends there. The concert couldn't be better! Namjoo was perfect! His performance touched my heart and soul so deep that I wanted to cry. Though he appeared to be a bit nervous and shy in the beginning, he finally connected with the audience, and gave the most wonderful performance I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life! You would be right to think that a two and a half hour SOLO concert would be boring, but not when Namjoo is on stage. He played setar, dotar and guitar! And of course his own voice is a complete musical instrument. He uses all these tools in such unimaginable ways to awaken all possible senses and feelings in you: awe, surprise, laughter, sadness, and love. You just have to be open and ready to be surprised by his magic, by the sounds he makes with his voice, and with his setar. You have to allow his poems to show you their own world. The world of pain, tragedies, love, and life. It's much more than a concert, it's a life-altering experience.
And of course the crowd was amazingly energetic! Though this time the concert was much larger than Kiosk and 127's concerts. However, there were some people in the crowd that were not exactly aware of his work, and did not understand his poems. I found it highly absurd when people laughed during the performance of "Diazpam". Though his words are intended to convey a dark humor, the tragedy strikes with such heavy hand that leaves no room for a mockery. Nevertheless, I think it was at least an opportunity for other people to learn about Namjoo's work, and maybe later, they would give a second thought to realize the true meaning of his poems.
After the concert, I had a chance to attend the reception. So I got a photo with him, and his signature on my CD. I wish him the best, he is an incredible person, and a wonderful artist.
I hope this pattern repeats next year :) I love being exposed to the kind of music that penetrates to the depth of my soul.
It's amazing how creative Iranian musicians have become, each in their own genre, to produce such amazing and touching pieces of art. I love how the Iranian music is getting out of the ordinary, allowing new thoughts and new trends to be injected in our veins, to feed our hearts and our soul. You just have to open up your ears, your mind, and your heart :)
In Kiosk's concert, I went with a group of friends and we sang all the songs from the beginning to the end! The crowd was crazy for Kiosk, and they were amazing. We all sang out the "Bitarbiat" song, so loud that we couldn't even hear ourselves anymore. After the concert, we headed to the Distillery District with a larger group of friends, but the few of us knew that the rest were not excited enough about the music, and were not at all interested in meeting the band! So later we decided to chase the actors to the milestone's restaurant in North York, and we spent around an hour walking around the milstone's patio, discussing whether we should join the reception or avoid the embarrassment! And of course in the end we just decided to leave ;) Nevertheless, we had an amazing time :)
I went to 127's concert in March in Berkeley with a couple of my friends who were highly excited about the concert. I had an amazing night there as well. It was a much smaller concert in an underground bar, but the crowd energy level was extremely high, and the artists interacted with the audience at a more personal level. The trombone player was the best! Again, I sang all their songs out loud, and loved their performance :) I also got their autograph on my CD, as well as a photo with the band :)
Only a few days ago I went to Namjoo's concert in San Francisco with my family, who are extremely excited about Namjoo as well. I also met a lot of my friends there. The concert couldn't be better! Namjoo was perfect! His performance touched my heart and soul so deep that I wanted to cry. Though he appeared to be a bit nervous and shy in the beginning, he finally connected with the audience, and gave the most wonderful performance I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life! You would be right to think that a two and a half hour SOLO concert would be boring, but not when Namjoo is on stage. He played setar, dotar and guitar! And of course his own voice is a complete musical instrument. He uses all these tools in such unimaginable ways to awaken all possible senses and feelings in you: awe, surprise, laughter, sadness, and love. You just have to be open and ready to be surprised by his magic, by the sounds he makes with his voice, and with his setar. You have to allow his poems to show you their own world. The world of pain, tragedies, love, and life. It's much more than a concert, it's a life-altering experience.
And of course the crowd was amazingly energetic! Though this time the concert was much larger than Kiosk and 127's concerts. However, there were some people in the crowd that were not exactly aware of his work, and did not understand his poems. I found it highly absurd when people laughed during the performance of "Diazpam". Though his words are intended to convey a dark humor, the tragedy strikes with such heavy hand that leaves no room for a mockery. Nevertheless, I think it was at least an opportunity for other people to learn about Namjoo's work, and maybe later, they would give a second thought to realize the true meaning of his poems.
After the concert, I had a chance to attend the reception. So I got a photo with him, and his signature on my CD. I wish him the best, he is an incredible person, and a wonderful artist.
I hope this pattern repeats next year :) I love being exposed to the kind of music that penetrates to the depth of my soul.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
1 + 1 = 1 + 1
Here we are,
Just going through the motions one more time,
You looked in my eyes but you don't see me,
Here I am, feeling like a stranger in your arms,
I touch you, I hold you, but lately I don't know you...
Something is wrong but we go on from day-to-day,
And we just pretend it all away,
We act like nothing's changed,
But in our hearts we know it's not the same...
Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...
Remember when you couldn't wait to run into my arms,
When the love inside my heart was all you needed,
Remember when you made me wish the night would never end,
The fire, the thunder, we lived to love each other,
If ever two hearts were one, then it was yours and mine,
But that was another place in time,
Now all we have to show,
Are memories of a dream we used to know...
Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...
When did we lose our way, we had it all,
Don't know how it all just slipped away,
But oh, can we get it back again,
Is it too late, can we try,
Just one time, cause darling...
Cause we're not makin love anymore,
Baby we're not makin love like before,
We may hold each other tight,
Say that everything's all right,
But we're not makin love...
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Nostalgia!
The days where I used to feel sharp... the days where I had the most inner excitement about learning that is possibly imaginable!
The days where I would skip my classes to study what I want to study! Self-motivation, and pure love for learning, and for playing... playing the games of brain, challenging the ordinary, proving to be extraordinary...
Alas, those days are gone with the wind, the wind that was blowing on the same day I entered a new type of classroom, where everything was given, and...
And now... oh how I miss those days, how I regret missing out on learning, all this time, six years! Six years have gone by, and I was always content! I was successful, but never challenged what was given... motivation is somehow gone with the wind, and now that I feel it coming from around the corner, will I ever be able to fully become what I was once trying to become? To learn, and love to learn? ...
Oh and one last question: Could you ever lose your mental abilities? My answer: It may well be possible... if you don't want to be exciting anymore, why should your brain care?
Now, Come on! Who are you fooling?! You've slided down the warm rabbit hole, where comfortable rules define ordinary days and nights...
The days where I would skip my classes to study what I want to study! Self-motivation, and pure love for learning, and for playing... playing the games of brain, challenging the ordinary, proving to be extraordinary...
Alas, those days are gone with the wind, the wind that was blowing on the same day I entered a new type of classroom, where everything was given, and...
And now... oh how I miss those days, how I regret missing out on learning, all this time, six years! Six years have gone by, and I was always content! I was successful, but never challenged what was given... motivation is somehow gone with the wind, and now that I feel it coming from around the corner, will I ever be able to fully become what I was once trying to become? To learn, and love to learn? ...
Oh and one last question: Could you ever lose your mental abilities? My answer: It may well be possible... if you don't want to be exciting anymore, why should your brain care?
Now, Come on! Who are you fooling?! You've slided down the warm rabbit hole, where comfortable rules define ordinary days and nights...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A transient lightness, and yet, more melancholy...
Do you even remember, when we were so happy, when we were so alive? Singing out loud the joyous songs through the open moon-roof, and yes, the breeze caressing us ever so softly ... We got excited with the sight of the slightest beauty, and yes, that was exactly when we actually noticed the details: nature's surprises, and the subtleties of our world. Did you record those moments forever in your heart, just like I did? Do you pay attention to details? I mean, there are details that make things what they are!
A postcard from a friend shares something very personal about his/her character! A postcard should not be ignored, it should be opened, and read out loud... its being should be celebrated! Its message should be proclaimed to emphasize its existence. Simply looking at the postcard from a distance rids the postcard of its own being! You merely look at it, from a distance, and don't you see that you are suffocating it? The details! It's all about the details!
And by the way, I am not holding a magnifying class! I'm just constantly trying my best to celebrate life, celebrate everything that is worth celebration... trying so hard to avoid dailiness... or so I think...
Do you even remember, when we were so happy, when we were so alive? Singing out loud the joyous songs through the open moon-roof, and yes, the breeze caressing us ever so softly ... We got excited with the sight of the slightest beauty, and yes, that was exactly when we actually noticed the details: nature's surprises, and the subtleties of our world. Did you record those moments forever in your heart, just like I did? Do you pay attention to details? I mean, there are details that make things what they are!
A postcard from a friend shares something very personal about his/her character! A postcard should not be ignored, it should be opened, and read out loud... its being should be celebrated! Its message should be proclaimed to emphasize its existence. Simply looking at the postcard from a distance rids the postcard of its own being! You merely look at it, from a distance, and don't you see that you are suffocating it? The details! It's all about the details!
And by the way, I am not holding a magnifying class! I'm just constantly trying my best to celebrate life, celebrate everything that is worth celebration... trying so hard to avoid dailiness... or so I think...
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