Wish you were here...

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?



And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?


How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

Self-knowledge

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

-By Khalil Gibran, The Prophet.

define: terrorism

According to The Israel Project website: The FBI defines terrorism as "the unlawful use of force or violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives."

Now who is really being intimidated here?!!!

I just don't understand how the news agencies can ramble and ramble and ramble, saying that the Israelis are defending themselves, and that this is just an act of defense because two of their soldiers were caught. I mean, do the news agencies think we are idiots? Every time I hear the news, I feel like my intelligence is being deeply insulted!

Lebanon is completely ruined; Kofi Annan said today that there are 500,000 people displaced, many without food right now. What the news agencies mostly fail to broadcast is how Israel is defending its country by intimidating not only a segment of the Lebanese civilian population, but its whole entity! Well of course the Israelis have an end, and that's to achieve their political and social objective, to prove that they can kill as many civilians as they like.

Just remind me, what was the definition of terrorism?

Freedom of the swing

Today, I was [accidentally!!!] woken up earlier than usual. The early morning weather is just something different. You can smell the freshness in it, it's no cliche, you can really smell it!!!

There was a playground right in the middle of the square. It started bringing back so many nice memories... all these scenes just passing through my mind... just like "The Final Cut" movie.

I sat in a swing, moving my feet and my body back and forth. Going up, all the way to the sky. You feel a sort of freedom that just brings everything in you out, puts it all aside, and lets you free from all the little things that are constantly occupying your mind. You start becoming who you really are, just swinging back and forth and with each swing, losing more of the external artifacts polluting your soul.

Sleepless II: more (irrelevant) thoughts

Richard Bach said it so easily:
"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"

But hmmm... Is it really that simple? I mean, suppose we overcome space and time, suppose space and time lose their effect in our friendship, suppose our friendship becomes, as they say, eternal. Is that it though? Can't it be enhanced? Is this all there is to it? Just space and time? No you and me?

I think we're just infinite. Even if the space and time stop, there's still so much more to do, so much more you can never finish, you can never reach the eternal. There's so much in you, so much in me, that we'll never be able to explore.

Another thing: let's say our friendship, our belief in our relationship, becomes eternal, freed from space and time. Now how about my knowledge about you? Is that independent of space and time?

Sleepless I

I finally got the energy from somewhere; I don't know where! I think it's because I'm thinking if I don't finish this, long weekend is going to be like crap! So I'm paying the price, staying up till now and doing work efficiently just to be able to get done with it.

I've almost done 2/3 of it. Another 1/3 is left. Right now it's 4:30 a.m. and I'm just working so efficiently because everyone is quiet. There's no sound. Nothing! Just the sound of my keyboard, along with the occasional groans of Tala, begging me to turn off the lights so that he can finally sleep. Well he does fall asleep, but he's such a light sleeper!! :P

Hmmm... I'm looking forward to tomorrow (I should say today!!). I'm planning to have lots of fun in the next 2 (or maybe 3, or actually maybe 4) days!!! :D If I can only get this over with...

Well I'm not complaining; it's really good for my near future :)

California!

So I am finally in California. I'm soo tired (most of you guys have already heard this from me 100000 times now!)... but in any case, it's just tiresome.. I donno why... I guess it's because in APL we're not exactly SITTING by the computer all day long, but instead jumping and running around the lab!!

and then we go downstairs to get some coffee, go to Sam's office to make some tea, laugh a little bit, and come back, and then it's not like we've already wasted so much time and we want to actually get some work done! NO! we're still running around the lab, and finally when we sit, we start sending msgs on msn and gmail! :D

Well, all the same, we still got work done, and in fact learn a lot (using caffeine and working our asses off at nights!)

Here, I'm sitting by a computer and I'm not exactly bored (!!), but just tired. You know, I feel like I want to go somewhere and sit there and just do what I wanna do for like half a day or a full day. I mean, I don't want anyone talking or interrupting or anything. I wanna do what I want to do! and then inhale some fresh air, get some energy, and get back on track.

At the same time, I am excited about all the new people, the environment and everything else. But I just feel like I'm overwhelmed right now... need to relax a little bit.

I rented a car, guess what? A red malibu!!! [;) I didn't ask for it! hehe!]

And once again:

Propaganda!!!!

I had to make a one-day trip from Toronto to LA. First off, there was the fingerprinting. That's a given considering the high correlation between being a terrorist and one's place of birth!

Later on, while waiting for my flight, I heard this on the CNN: "Are Iranian spies watching New York?" PROPAGANDA!!! And this was announced in the headlines section without further explanation! Ten minutes later, further explanation followed, only to prove that the headline was, expectedly, nothing but random guesses!!! All they knew was that maybe someone was watching some tower, and this may or may not be related to the Iranian government actually spying in New York, which is obviously, for nothing but to plan a terrorist attack!!! Of course this news, or shall I say gossip wrapped with mystery, is announced in the early morning headlines!!!

A few hours later, on the way back to Toronto, I noticed there was a code on my boarding pass, indicating "SSSS". And this is not the first time I have seen this on my boarding card! No! This has happened every time for the past couple of times!! Now what does this code mean? This means that we have been selected for a "Random" security check (Everyone that is marked with this code must be physically screened and have all their belongings searched thoroughly). The selection process was in fact so random that everyone in the special screening area spoke Farsi! (Using the ECE lingo, I guess if the countries were listed on the x-axis, the PDF of this random variable would be a delta function!)

Discrimination, disguised under America’s deep concern for the security of this great nation, and of course world-wide peace…

Moment of Reflection

I need some time, to think and to talk and to be...



* This post has a photo, but I'm not putting it in my photoblog because I am not the photographer.

Silence

I had so many thoughts in mind, so many things I could say. A voice within me, it was speaking, an active voice. But alas, none of the words vibrated my vocal cords...

Intimidated? or just shy?
What is it caused by?

Lack of confidence in the self?
Lack of confidence in one's knowledge?
Lack of confidence in one's ability to reason, and to defend one's ideas?
Is it caused by bad previous experience or lack thereof?

How can it be attacked?

Yesterday when I started writing the first paragraph of this post I had a very negative view of myself. But then when I decided to complete it now, my brain followed a more logical pathway. There sure is a reason for behaving this way, and if so, there might be a way to control it.

lies

Grown ups. Complications. Lies. Friendships shatter with lies. Internally of course, nothing should be shown, nobody should know about it. Cover everything! It's such a thick mask that you, yes yourself!, would even forget about its existence! Well it's already expected, you build up an image of your friendships and relationships so perfect that you actually believe it yourself. You start believing that your friendships are actually defined the way you think they're defined.

Yes, I have always feared growing up, for so many various reasons. And one of these reasons has always been getting used to lies, having friendships that are not transparent. I've feared this sooooooo much, and I always keep on thinking: well no one should do this, true friends never need to lie to each other because they understand each other. No this is a lie itself!!! Or maybe it's not, it's just too ideal. Too good to be true. Too hard to find.

Lies. That's all there is to growing up. It's important for you to wear your mask, and wear it tight. Play your roles, the way you have defined them.

And if you don't like playing this game, well too bad! You're already labelled with all the labels you can afford: she's dumb, she doesn't know what to say and what not to say, she doesn't think before talking, and the list goes on. You have to play this game as well, at least for other people, if not for yourself. Otherwise you're easily isolated from the rest of the world.


ای بازیگر گریه نکن
ما همه مون مثل همیم
صبح ها که از خواب پا می شیم
نقاب به صورت می زنیم

یکی معلم می شه و
یکی می شی خونه به دوش
یکی ترانه ساز می شه
یکی می شه غزل فروش

کهنه نقاب زندگی
تا شب تو صورت های ماست
گریه های پشت نقاب
مثل همیشه بی صداست

هر کسی هستی یه دفعه
پر بکش از پشت نقاب
از رو نوشته حرف نزن
رها شو از حیله خواب
نقش یک دریچه رو
رو میله قفس بکش
برای یک بار که شده
جای خودت بکس بکش

کاش که می شد تو زندگی
ما خودمون باشیم و بس
حتی برای یک نگاه
حتی برای یک نفس

تا کی به جای خودمون
نگاه ما حرف بزنه
تا کی سکوت و رج زدن
نقش نمایش منه

هر کسی هستی یه دفعه
پر بکش از پشت نقاب
از رو نوشته حرف نزن
رها شو از حیله خواب
نقش یک دریچه رو
رو میله قفس بکش
برای یک بار که شده
جای خودت بکس بکش

می خوام همین ترانه رو
رو صحنه فریاد بزنم
نقابم و پاره کنم
جای خودم داد بزنم

سقف

تو فکر یک سقفم
یک سقف بی روزن
یه سقف پا برجا
محکم تر از آهن

سقفی که تن پوش هراس ما باشه
تو سردی شب ها لباس ما باشه

سقفی اندازه قلب من و تو
واسه لمس تپش دلواپسی
برای شرم لطیف لحظه ها
واسه پیچیدن بوی اطلسی

زیر این سقف با تو از گل از از شب و ستاره می گم
از تو و از خواستن تو میگم و دوباره می گم
زندگیمو زیر این سقف با تو اندازه می گیرم
گم می شم تو معنی تو، معنی تازه می گیرم

سقفمون افسوس و افسوس
تن ابر آسمونه
یه افق، یه بی نهایت
کمترین فاصلمونه

تو فکر یک سقفم
یه سقف رویایی
سقفی برای ما
حتی مقوایی

تو فکر یک سقفم
یک سقف بی روزن
سقفی برای عشق
برای تو با من

سقفی اندازه قلب من و تو
واسه لمس تپش دلواپسی
براس شرم لطیف آینه ها
واسه پیچیدن بوی اطلسی
زیر این سقف، اگه باشه، پر می شه از گرمای تو
لختی پنجره هاشو می پوشونه دستای تو
زیر این سقف خوبه عطر خود فراموشی بپاشیم
آخر قصه بخوابیم اول ترانه پاشیم

سقفمون افسوس و افسوس
تن ابر آسمونه
یه اقف یه با نهایت
کمترین فلصامونه

تو فکر یک سقفم
...

Summary

Passion
Friendship
Farhad
Photography
[ ]
...
!!!

Pretty clear description of my current mood :D
Wish I could add Ski to the above list as well! :(

I don't know why, but at this time of the year, farhad feels soooo good. It just speaks my mind. I want to listen to it all day long. I love it!!!

I got a few complaints about my return. Well, yes, I have been pretty lazy in terms of writing in this blog; actually I have a lot of drafts saved, but I just don't feel like any of them are suitable for posting. Instead, I find it very easy to express myself in my photoblog. It is really fulfilling for me to post something there; a photo that reflects my inner self, along with a few lines, from a poem, or from myself.

Sometimes I look at the photo, and just write whatever comes to me. But then at other times, when I hear something nice that reflects my feelings or thoughts, I feel like I want to post it along with a photo. So I go and look to find if any of the photos I have taken match the text. If not, then I gotta get up and take my camera outside! :D

So check it out here. Don't know if you'll enjoy it as much as I do; after all, it's all in the eye of the beholder!

Return!

It's been a while since I last wrote here. I don't know why, I feel the urge to write here from time to time, but it hasn't been strong enough to make me do it. There are a lot of things on my mind that I want to write so that I can organize and structure my thoughts, but I feel sort of insecure about writing them here. Although I would very much appreciate it if someone could give me comments on my unwritten confusions, I feel obliged to keep them to myself. I should correct myself: maybe I don't feel insecure, maybe I just don't write them here because they are too sacred, as once one of my friends said. They are too sacred to be shared with anyone else but the bearers of the memory.

Anyways, what have I been up to? FUN! Lots of it! In tonnes! and not much studying :( well yeah, from the time I got back from Iran, I have been involved in arranging/attending different things! First the ski trip, then arranging the surprise party, and so on. All these little things keep on happening as well . It's been good so far.

I really liked skiing, I feel a sort of freedom, and challenge, both at the same time. The challenge component of it has been dominant for now, since my muscles are almost non-existant! But I see the freedom part of it coming along the way! It's something more or less like riding a bike. You need to know the rules to start doing it, but after that, it's just intuitive and you gotta develop your own way of doing it; and when you do that, oh you feel the breeze on your face and there's this feeling of freedom overtaking all your body! The same feeling that arises when you're driving 100 km/h on mount pleasant with an open sunroof and an open window! Or maybe even better!

Tingling

Alone vs. Lonely

I'm not alone.

I don't know if I am lonely or not.

My friends, they don't talk to me. I don't make them feel good. I am NOT a positive existence for the world around me. Hmmm... I have a very weird feeling, like a sort of disappointment. All my body is kind of tingling. Weird feeling. Why?

Tingly feeling: So familiar, yet so far away from present. What is it? What does it mean? The last time I remember I had this feeling was a long time ago. It doesn't feel good. You need someone to believe in you, or maybe someone who calms you down. It's all about the SELF, you know, even when the issue is about the people around you, it's not actually it!! It's just a mask!! It's all about the self! So Selfish!!

My definition of friendship has changed, well not really. I mean, my definiton is still in the same context, but its limits have chnaged.

When my friends don't feel good, I can't help them. Why is it that some people become so important in my life? I care so much about them. Do they care about me to the same extent?

When I feel bad, my friends have helped me a lot. Is it because I believe in them, and truly accept that their opinions and ideas may be actually useful? Well, my friends have helped me A LOT when I feel bad. I try to help them too, with the same energy that they put in when they listen to me and help me. But alas, I feel exhausted, because I get the impression that all my effort is for nothing, for they don't really care about what I have to say. Or maybe it's just that what I say is so fucking stupid. The impression I get all the time is that what I talk about does not seem practical to my friends, basically, my comments seem useless to them.

What does it mean to have a tingly feeling all over your body?

Quest for a vision: Part II

But wait a minute; is there really any difference between my field and other ones? I mean, would I be satisfied if I studied something else? No I know I wouldn't be! Why? Because I used to love this field, and now that it's lost its freshness, it all seems so repetitive and ordinary to me.

As banafsheh pointed out, I think I have not found my #1 passion. I like anything that's new, but after the freshness is gone, so is my thrill and enthusiasm.

I'm not thrilled by the creativity involved with solving electronic circuits anymore. But at the same time, I am excited about my fields & waves course because it's not a continuation of anything I've studied before. I have become so enthusiastic about it! But then I say to myself: "You used to feel like that for other courses before, but not anymore! So why bother?" It's all so futile! Everything loses its freshness, doesn't it? And then it's all dull. I am almost certain that any other area would just become as dull as electrical engineering has become for me, if not more. It's just that I don't know anything about those areas and I feel like there's an unknown world that I want to discover. The mystery is calling me forward.

I don't see myself as being an engineer. I don't know what my life would be like in 10 years! I can't imagine myself in 10 years! Not even in 5 years! I mean, life is not school! It's not electrical engineering! It doesn't become dull and boring like my courses. Life is composed of moments, of friends, of those you love, of scenes you enjoy. Life is not (or at least, should not be) artificial.

Life is alive.

Satisfaction from work is also a part of life. But it's not life. It's always something to the side. Sometimes I feel so ambitious, I feel like I have so many goals in my life!! But at the same time, if you think about it, that's just my career accomplishment, and I have come to the conclusion that my career accomplishments will not be my life.

I need to define a vision for my life.

Quest for a vision: Part I

When I study in the library, I see other people, from other disciplines, each studying something: philosophy, psychology, sociology, economy, etc. All these subjects are tangible in our everyday life. Their understanding involves living creatures. But when I bring out my textbook, it's titled: "Microelectronic Circuits".

I have always been certain that I want to study Electrical Engineering. However, I have lost my certainty recently. There is a sense of absurdity associated with everything I see. It has occurred to me that my field is actually very useless, because you're just isolating yourself in an abstract world of "man-made things"(quote from a friend ;)). We are living in a world of circuits, math, and artificial goods. It’s not that I hate studying ECE, it’s just that I’m not thrilled by it anymore. I'm not satisfied with designing an electrical system! It feels like I am separated from the world.

P.S. Started reading memoirs of a geisha! I like it so far, and am also looking forward to reading the other books :D

blogging

I don't know. I mean, I'm confused. OK this is the thing: When I post photos in my photoblog, I post it for myself. I feel like it gives me a happiness to post things there. Also, more people give me comments on my photos, and my photoblog looks very nice:D So it's a satisfying feeling. However, there are other times when I feel the urge to just write something here, not in the photoblog.

And recently I have been feeling like that a lot. HOWEVER, I don't know why I am not satisfied with it. I feel like no one is reading my posts here. I know, you post for yourself, just to talk, just to organize your thoughts, make your mind free. I do this. It's very good. But the thing is, I post things here when my mind is occupied, I shape my ideas and feelings here, which is very very good. BUT I also need some sort of response. I wanna see what other people (not everyone of course, but a few) think about what I had to say. And I don't get the response.

I want to get involved in some sort of discussion about my post. It's just that I wanna see a discussion going on here. It's kinda nostalgic, cuz I get reminded of myself back in grades 8-10, when I was sooo involved in different discussions with my friends, when I was always questioning everything in my life, searching for an answer, for everything!! And back then, my life was soo dynamic!! I want that in my life back again. Don't know where to start from.

I want to read a book. A good book! Someone give me an idea pleaaaaase! I really want it!!

Reflection

WARNING: LONG POST!

I've noticed that I have been learning more and more about myself through interaction with the people around me. I mean, sometimes I react to certain events in a way that even surprise me! Not that I am totally unpredictable or anything, (LOL even to myself), but it's just that I don't really have a concrete definition of "ME". Although it isn't necessary (and is even futile) to try to define oneself in every aspect, it's important for a person to know the self.

Aside: Don't confuse this with building a model of yourself and restraining yourself to it, because if you leave no room for flexibility, you're a dead person, there's no enthusiasm, no surprise, no excitement, and thus, no life.

Back to the topic: As I interact with people, I have noticed that some of my behaviors do not have any basis; I mean, if someone asks me "Why did you do this when that happened?" I would have no answer. It's good that I have realized this, cuz now I try to search for a reason why I behave in the way I do, and in case I don't find any reason, at least I find out what I would rather see in my behavior instead of the default one.

There was a stage in my life when I defined certain things for myself, and found the answer to some of my questions. Alas, I have not continued that scheme. So now I feel like I need to reflect back more in the things I do, and why I do them. Recently, there have been dilemmas again in my mind, and I have to sort them out. I have to think about them, reason them out. If these dilemmas are not sorted out, if my questions are not answered, then I do not have a strong personality, I do not have a character. In that case, I swing from one behavior to the other, even totally opposite ones, as I interact with different people. Although I see a reflection of what I am through interaction with the people around me, their behavior should not be my dominant source of inspiration!

However, I have one main characteristic (that I do know about!), and that is that I can't think silent. I mean, when I am processing information and searching for answers through logical reasoning, I need it to be out loud. I need to be involved in an argument. Otherwise my mind just sits back and relaxes! So now we need to trigger this sleeping mind to do some thinking, to get into arguments, dilemmas, discussions and challenges again!

Some methods I can think of are: writing in this blog, talking to a friend and reading a book. Give me ideas!

Thought Efficiency

Recently, my mind just wanders around. It's not like before. Like you know, sometimes, let's say when I was blow drying my hair or brushing my teeth, I didn't really think about anything. My mind was sort of like a vacuum... empty, nothing in it. At certain times during the day, I reached this state when I thought about nothing! It felt kinda good, cuz my mind relaxed. But it's been about two weeks or so that my mind has been working non-stop. Even when I brush my teeth!

My mind is constantly thinking, not even about important things, but actually about trivial matters! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I was actually thinking about something ineteresting or important! It's just that I can't NOT THINK when I'm brushing my teeth! May sound funny (it kinda is!) but it has actually made me kind of worried. I mean, why do I think about such trivial things sooo much? Why is that thinking about non-important things takes up soo much energy of our mind?

Don't try to say that if you were a deep person you wouldn't have these problems! In fact, what I'm saying is that no matter how sophisticated your inetellect is, you are still spending an enormous amount of energy thinking about things that are of no value! They shouldn't take up your energy!

I don't think realizing that I am thinking during brushing my teeth, as opposed to just giving my mind a break, means anything with regards to the depth of my mental activities. It has only banged a hammer in my head, reminding me that I shouldn't spend sooo much time on unimportant stuff; but alas, nobody can stop thinking about unimportant matters, I think it's physically impossible. There has to be some wasted energy. You cannot have 100% output efficiency, right?