Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm Back??!!!

Khello!
I'm back! in T.O. ... quite surprisingly!
well... I didn't make up my mind with 100% certainty... up to now, the decisions that I have made in my life (if I indeed have had enough control over it) have always been made in a state of more or less certainty. What I mean is that, at the time I was making a decision, I have believed in what I was doing, and was sure to get it done. Usually, the case for me had always been to persuade others that the decision that I am making is the correct one. However, this time it has been completely different. I had two choices, each of which had a fair amount of advantages and some disadvantages. The decision-making was left solely to me. No external influences involved. Of course you can never say there are no external influences, because my environment, my family and my friends have played a great role in my decision. But none of them dictated to me what I should do, nor pushed me towards a certain decision with authorativeness.
The difficulty of this task, however, was not solely because I was given the power to decide, but because I was given the power to decide on such a delicate matter in a case where both of the options had their own advantages and disadvantages. I couldn't easily say which one outweighs the other one. I can't even say whether I have made the right choice or not, not even at this point in time. Another important thing was that I didn't have enough time to think over my two choices.
Now I have decided, rather, the decision has been made. I do not know who made the decision! Was it me? Or did it just happen that way? I know that no one else did, but I don't recall a moment where I said to myself: "Okay, let's go with this one!". I keep on rewinding back in my memory, but I can't find anything that resembles such a statement!
Don't be mistaken, I am not complaining! As I said, both of the situations have their advantages and disadvantages: neither one is bad! I would benefit from either one of them, maybe differently I guess...
Now there are people that I care about, and I especially care about how they think of me. I always say to people: you shouldn't really give that much value to how people think of you, but this time it's totally different. If there are a handful people whose opinion about me actually matters and makes a difference, it's them! I'm afraid that my action in this process has defined me in a way that I never thought it would. I'm afraid that what I have done has said things about who I am that are not necessraily correct. Or maybe they are correct, but I definitely DO NOT want them to be correct.
So now I'm back, with many questions in my mind, even more than before I leave... One of my good friends told me that no matter what decision I make, it will be the good one and the correct one. Another good friend told me that the important thing now is to be firm and move in the chosen direction with strength, no matter what has been chosen. I will try to believe as the first friend said, and act as the second one said...
Hopefully it will be a happy ending...

2 comments:

Siavash said...

Freedom is hard eh? especially when you don't have time to think about ur choices (one might even say that no body ever has enough time to think of one's choices since you can ever predict the outcome of your choice for certain.) It's like we don't have a choice by ourseleves, like we are destined...but I don't know..I still think that it was you that ultimately decided to stay or to go,even if it was for the ppl that cared about u and u cared about them...it was still ur choice ( u chose the friends that u care about urself right)....It is great to have u back anywaayzz ( i donna of ur choice yet though, but u still seem pretty confused posting this a 3 am ;) )
oh by the way, I am gonna be in Toronto for a week b4 I hit montreal again for the last days of summer.

Siavash said...

um yeah, I gotto agree with u regarding the traffic managment of my blogs. I'm pretty sure, I don't want discussion on my perisan blog, but the english one, I sometimes feel responsible for knowing something, feel that I have to share it with those who think like me, and they can do the same...