Tingling

Alone vs. Lonely

I'm not alone.

I don't know if I am lonely or not.

My friends, they don't talk to me. I don't make them feel good. I am NOT a positive existence for the world around me. Hmmm... I have a very weird feeling, like a sort of disappointment. All my body is kind of tingling. Weird feeling. Why?

Tingly feeling: So familiar, yet so far away from present. What is it? What does it mean? The last time I remember I had this feeling was a long time ago. It doesn't feel good. You need someone to believe in you, or maybe someone who calms you down. It's all about the SELF, you know, even when the issue is about the people around you, it's not actually it!! It's just a mask!! It's all about the self! So Selfish!!

My definition of friendship has changed, well not really. I mean, my definiton is still in the same context, but its limits have chnaged.

When my friends don't feel good, I can't help them. Why is it that some people become so important in my life? I care so much about them. Do they care about me to the same extent?

When I feel bad, my friends have helped me a lot. Is it because I believe in them, and truly accept that their opinions and ideas may be actually useful? Well, my friends have helped me A LOT when I feel bad. I try to help them too, with the same energy that they put in when they listen to me and help me. But alas, I feel exhausted, because I get the impression that all my effort is for nothing, for they don't really care about what I have to say. Or maybe it's just that what I say is so fucking stupid. The impression I get all the time is that what I talk about does not seem practical to my friends, basically, my comments seem useless to them.

What does it mean to have a tingly feeling all over your body?

Quest for a vision: Part II

But wait a minute; is there really any difference between my field and other ones? I mean, would I be satisfied if I studied something else? No I know I wouldn't be! Why? Because I used to love this field, and now that it's lost its freshness, it all seems so repetitive and ordinary to me.

As banafsheh pointed out, I think I have not found my #1 passion. I like anything that's new, but after the freshness is gone, so is my thrill and enthusiasm.

I'm not thrilled by the creativity involved with solving electronic circuits anymore. But at the same time, I am excited about my fields & waves course because it's not a continuation of anything I've studied before. I have become so enthusiastic about it! But then I say to myself: "You used to feel like that for other courses before, but not anymore! So why bother?" It's all so futile! Everything loses its freshness, doesn't it? And then it's all dull. I am almost certain that any other area would just become as dull as electrical engineering has become for me, if not more. It's just that I don't know anything about those areas and I feel like there's an unknown world that I want to discover. The mystery is calling me forward.

I don't see myself as being an engineer. I don't know what my life would be like in 10 years! I can't imagine myself in 10 years! Not even in 5 years! I mean, life is not school! It's not electrical engineering! It doesn't become dull and boring like my courses. Life is composed of moments, of friends, of those you love, of scenes you enjoy. Life is not (or at least, should not be) artificial.

Life is alive.

Satisfaction from work is also a part of life. But it's not life. It's always something to the side. Sometimes I feel so ambitious, I feel like I have so many goals in my life!! But at the same time, if you think about it, that's just my career accomplishment, and I have come to the conclusion that my career accomplishments will not be my life.

I need to define a vision for my life.

Quest for a vision: Part I

When I study in the library, I see other people, from other disciplines, each studying something: philosophy, psychology, sociology, economy, etc. All these subjects are tangible in our everyday life. Their understanding involves living creatures. But when I bring out my textbook, it's titled: "Microelectronic Circuits".

I have always been certain that I want to study Electrical Engineering. However, I have lost my certainty recently. There is a sense of absurdity associated with everything I see. It has occurred to me that my field is actually very useless, because you're just isolating yourself in an abstract world of "man-made things"(quote from a friend ;)). We are living in a world of circuits, math, and artificial goods. It’s not that I hate studying ECE, it’s just that I’m not thrilled by it anymore. I'm not satisfied with designing an electrical system! It feels like I am separated from the world.

P.S. Started reading memoirs of a geisha! I like it so far, and am also looking forward to reading the other books :D