Alone vs. Lonely
I'm not alone.
I don't know if I am lonely or not.
My friends, they don't talk to me. I don't make them feel good. I am NOT a positive existence for the world around me. Hmmm... I have a very weird feeling, like a sort of disappointment. All my body is kind of tingling. Weird feeling. Why?
Tingly feeling: So familiar, yet so far away from present. What is it? What does it mean? The last time I remember I had this feeling was a long time ago. It doesn't feel good. You need someone to believe in you, or maybe someone who calms you down. It's all about the SELF, you know, even when the issue is about the people around you, it's not actually it!! It's just a mask!! It's all about the self! So Selfish!!
My definition of friendship has changed, well not really. I mean, my definiton is still in the same context, but its limits have chnaged.
When my friends don't feel good, I can't help them. Why is it that some people become so important in my life? I care so much about them. Do they care about me to the same extent?
When I feel bad, my friends have helped me a lot. Is it because I believe in them, and truly accept that their opinions and ideas may be actually useful? Well, my friends have helped me A LOT when I feel bad. I try to help them too, with the same energy that they put in when they listen to me and help me. But alas, I feel exhausted, because I get the impression that all my effort is for nothing, for they don't really care about what I have to say. Or maybe it's just that what I say is so fucking stupid. The impression I get all the time is that what I talk about does not seem practical to my friends, basically, my comments seem useless to them.
What does it mean to have a tingly feeling all over your body?
Monday, November 28, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Quest for a vision: Part II
But wait a minute; is there really any difference between my field and other ones? I mean, would I be satisfied if I studied something else? No I know I wouldn't be! Why? Because I used to love this field, and now that it's lost its freshness, it all seems so repetitive and ordinary to me.
As banafsheh pointed out, I think I have not found my #1 passion. I like anything that's new, but after the freshness is gone, so is my thrill and enthusiasm.
I'm not thrilled by the creativity involved with solving electronic circuits anymore. But at the same time, I am excited about my fields & waves course because it's not a continuation of anything I've studied before. I have become so enthusiastic about it! But then I say to myself: "You used to feel like that for other courses before, but not anymore! So why bother?" It's all so futile! Everything loses its freshness, doesn't it? And then it's all dull. I am almost certain that any other area would just become as dull as electrical engineering has become for me, if not more. It's just that I don't know anything about those areas and I feel like there's an unknown world that I want to discover. The mystery is calling me forward.
I don't see myself as being an engineer. I don't know what my life would be like in 10 years! I can't imagine myself in 10 years! Not even in 5 years! I mean, life is not school! It's not electrical engineering! It doesn't become dull and boring like my courses. Life is composed of moments, of friends, of those you love, of scenes you enjoy. Life is not (or at least, should not be) artificial.
Life is alive.
Satisfaction from work is also a part of life. But it's not life. It's always something to the side. Sometimes I feel so ambitious, I feel like I have so many goals in my life!! But at the same time, if you think about it, that's just my career accomplishment, and I have come to the conclusion that my career accomplishments will not be my life.
I need to define a vision for my life.
As banafsheh pointed out, I think I have not found my #1 passion. I like anything that's new, but after the freshness is gone, so is my thrill and enthusiasm.
I'm not thrilled by the creativity involved with solving electronic circuits anymore. But at the same time, I am excited about my fields & waves course because it's not a continuation of anything I've studied before. I have become so enthusiastic about it! But then I say to myself: "You used to feel like that for other courses before, but not anymore! So why bother?" It's all so futile! Everything loses its freshness, doesn't it? And then it's all dull. I am almost certain that any other area would just become as dull as electrical engineering has become for me, if not more. It's just that I don't know anything about those areas and I feel like there's an unknown world that I want to discover. The mystery is calling me forward.
I don't see myself as being an engineer. I don't know what my life would be like in 10 years! I can't imagine myself in 10 years! Not even in 5 years! I mean, life is not school! It's not electrical engineering! It doesn't become dull and boring like my courses. Life is composed of moments, of friends, of those you love, of scenes you enjoy. Life is not (or at least, should not be) artificial.
Life is alive.
Satisfaction from work is also a part of life. But it's not life. It's always something to the side. Sometimes I feel so ambitious, I feel like I have so many goals in my life!! But at the same time, if you think about it, that's just my career accomplishment, and I have come to the conclusion that my career accomplishments will not be my life.
I need to define a vision for my life.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Quest for a vision: Part I
When I study in the library, I see other people, from other disciplines, each studying something: philosophy, psychology, sociology, economy, etc. All these subjects are tangible in our everyday life. Their understanding involves living creatures. But when I bring out my textbook, it's titled: "Microelectronic Circuits".
I have always been certain that I want to study Electrical Engineering. However, I have lost my certainty recently. There is a sense of absurdity associated with everything I see. It has occurred to me that my field is actually very useless, because you're just isolating yourself in an abstract world of "man-made things"(quote from a friend ;)). We are living in a world of circuits, math, and artificial goods. It’s not that I hate studying ECE, it’s just that I’m not thrilled by it anymore. I'm not satisfied with designing an electrical system! It feels like I am separated from the world.
P.S. Started reading memoirs of a geisha! I like it so far, and am also looking forward to reading the other books :D
I have always been certain that I want to study Electrical Engineering. However, I have lost my certainty recently. There is a sense of absurdity associated with everything I see. It has occurred to me that my field is actually very useless, because you're just isolating yourself in an abstract world of "man-made things"(quote from a friend ;)). We are living in a world of circuits, math, and artificial goods. It’s not that I hate studying ECE, it’s just that I’m not thrilled by it anymore. I'm not satisfied with designing an electrical system! It feels like I am separated from the world.
P.S. Started reading memoirs of a geisha! I like it so far, and am also looking forward to reading the other books :D
Thursday, October 27, 2005
blogging
I don't know. I mean, I'm confused. OK this is the thing: When I post photos in my photoblog, I post it for myself. I feel like it gives me a happiness to post things there. Also, more people give me comments on my photos, and my photoblog looks very nice:D So it's a satisfying feeling. However, there are other times when I feel the urge to just write something here, not in the photoblog.
And recently I have been feeling like that a lot. HOWEVER, I don't know why I am not satisfied with it. I feel like no one is reading my posts here. I know, you post for yourself, just to talk, just to organize your thoughts, make your mind free. I do this. It's very good. But the thing is, I post things here when my mind is occupied, I shape my ideas and feelings here, which is very very good. BUT I also need some sort of response. I wanna see what other people (not everyone of course, but a few) think about what I had to say. And I don't get the response.
I want to get involved in some sort of discussion about my post. It's just that I wanna see a discussion going on here. It's kinda nostalgic, cuz I get reminded of myself back in grades 8-10, when I was sooo involved in different discussions with my friends, when I was always questioning everything in my life, searching for an answer, for everything!! And back then, my life was soo dynamic!! I want that in my life back again. Don't know where to start from.
I want to read a book. A good book! Someone give me an idea pleaaaaase! I really want it!!
And recently I have been feeling like that a lot. HOWEVER, I don't know why I am not satisfied with it. I feel like no one is reading my posts here. I know, you post for yourself, just to talk, just to organize your thoughts, make your mind free. I do this. It's very good. But the thing is, I post things here when my mind is occupied, I shape my ideas and feelings here, which is very very good. BUT I also need some sort of response. I wanna see what other people (not everyone of course, but a few) think about what I had to say. And I don't get the response.
I want to get involved in some sort of discussion about my post. It's just that I wanna see a discussion going on here. It's kinda nostalgic, cuz I get reminded of myself back in grades 8-10, when I was sooo involved in different discussions with my friends, when I was always questioning everything in my life, searching for an answer, for everything!! And back then, my life was soo dynamic!! I want that in my life back again. Don't know where to start from.
I want to read a book. A good book! Someone give me an idea pleaaaaase! I really want it!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Reflection
WARNING: LONG POST!
I've noticed that I have been learning more and more about myself through interaction with the people around me. I mean, sometimes I react to certain events in a way that even surprise me! Not that I am totally unpredictable or anything, (LOL even to myself), but it's just that I don't really have a concrete definition of "ME". Although it isn't necessary (and is even futile) to try to define oneself in every aspect, it's important for a person to know the self.
Aside: Don't confuse this with building a model of yourself and restraining yourself to it, because if you leave no room for flexibility, you're a dead person, there's no enthusiasm, no surprise, no excitement, and thus, no life.
Back to the topic: As I interact with people, I have noticed that some of my behaviors do not have any basis; I mean, if someone asks me "Why did you do this when that happened?" I would have no answer. It's good that I have realized this, cuz now I try to search for a reason why I behave in the way I do, and in case I don't find any reason, at least I find out what I would rather see in my behavior instead of the default one.
There was a stage in my life when I defined certain things for myself, and found the answer to some of my questions. Alas, I have not continued that scheme. So now I feel like I need to reflect back more in the things I do, and why I do them. Recently, there have been dilemmas again in my mind, and I have to sort them out. I have to think about them, reason them out. If these dilemmas are not sorted out, if my questions are not answered, then I do not have a strong personality, I do not have a character. In that case, I swing from one behavior to the other, even totally opposite ones, as I interact with different people. Although I see a reflection of what I am through interaction with the people around me, their behavior should not be my dominant source of inspiration!
However, I have one main characteristic (that I do know about!), and that is that I can't think silent. I mean, when I am processing information and searching for answers through logical reasoning, I need it to be out loud. I need to be involved in an argument. Otherwise my mind just sits back and relaxes! So now we need to trigger this sleeping mind to do some thinking, to get into arguments, dilemmas, discussions and challenges again!
Some methods I can think of are: writing in this blog, talking to a friend and reading a book. Give me ideas!
I've noticed that I have been learning more and more about myself through interaction with the people around me. I mean, sometimes I react to certain events in a way that even surprise me! Not that I am totally unpredictable or anything, (LOL even to myself), but it's just that I don't really have a concrete definition of "ME". Although it isn't necessary (and is even futile) to try to define oneself in every aspect, it's important for a person to know the self.
Aside: Don't confuse this with building a model of yourself and restraining yourself to it, because if you leave no room for flexibility, you're a dead person, there's no enthusiasm, no surprise, no excitement, and thus, no life.
Back to the topic: As I interact with people, I have noticed that some of my behaviors do not have any basis; I mean, if someone asks me "Why did you do this when that happened?" I would have no answer. It's good that I have realized this, cuz now I try to search for a reason why I behave in the way I do, and in case I don't find any reason, at least I find out what I would rather see in my behavior instead of the default one.
There was a stage in my life when I defined certain things for myself, and found the answer to some of my questions. Alas, I have not continued that scheme. So now I feel like I need to reflect back more in the things I do, and why I do them. Recently, there have been dilemmas again in my mind, and I have to sort them out. I have to think about them, reason them out. If these dilemmas are not sorted out, if my questions are not answered, then I do not have a strong personality, I do not have a character. In that case, I swing from one behavior to the other, even totally opposite ones, as I interact with different people. Although I see a reflection of what I am through interaction with the people around me, their behavior should not be my dominant source of inspiration!
However, I have one main characteristic (that I do know about!), and that is that I can't think silent. I mean, when I am processing information and searching for answers through logical reasoning, I need it to be out loud. I need to be involved in an argument. Otherwise my mind just sits back and relaxes! So now we need to trigger this sleeping mind to do some thinking, to get into arguments, dilemmas, discussions and challenges again!
Some methods I can think of are: writing in this blog, talking to a friend and reading a book. Give me ideas!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Thought Efficiency
Recently, my mind just wanders around. It's not like before. Like you know, sometimes, let's say when I was blow drying my hair or brushing my teeth, I didn't really think about anything. My mind was sort of like a vacuum... empty, nothing in it. At certain times during the day, I reached this state when I thought about nothing! It felt kinda good, cuz my mind relaxed. But it's been about two weeks or so that my mind has been working non-stop. Even when I brush my teeth!
My mind is constantly thinking, not even about important things, but actually about trivial matters! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I was actually thinking about something ineteresting or important! It's just that I can't NOT THINK when I'm brushing my teeth! May sound funny (it kinda is!) but it has actually made me kind of worried. I mean, why do I think about such trivial things sooo much? Why is that thinking about non-important things takes up soo much energy of our mind?
Don't try to say that if you were a deep person you wouldn't have these problems! In fact, what I'm saying is that no matter how sophisticated your inetellect is, you are still spending an enormous amount of energy thinking about things that are of no value! They shouldn't take up your energy!
I don't think realizing that I am thinking during brushing my teeth, as opposed to just giving my mind a break, means anything with regards to the depth of my mental activities. It has only banged a hammer in my head, reminding me that I shouldn't spend sooo much time on unimportant stuff; but alas, nobody can stop thinking about unimportant matters, I think it's physically impossible. There has to be some wasted energy. You cannot have 100% output efficiency, right?
My mind is constantly thinking, not even about important things, but actually about trivial matters! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I was actually thinking about something ineteresting or important! It's just that I can't NOT THINK when I'm brushing my teeth! May sound funny (it kinda is!) but it has actually made me kind of worried. I mean, why do I think about such trivial things sooo much? Why is that thinking about non-important things takes up soo much energy of our mind?
Don't try to say that if you were a deep person you wouldn't have these problems! In fact, what I'm saying is that no matter how sophisticated your inetellect is, you are still spending an enormous amount of energy thinking about things that are of no value! They shouldn't take up your energy!
I don't think realizing that I am thinking during brushing my teeth, as opposed to just giving my mind a break, means anything with regards to the depth of my mental activities. It has only banged a hammer in my head, reminding me that I shouldn't spend sooo much time on unimportant stuff; but alas, nobody can stop thinking about unimportant matters, I think it's physically impossible. There has to be some wasted energy. You cannot have 100% output efficiency, right?
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
My medium of communication
Haven't written here much, cuz I don't really feel the urge to write here. Anyways, I decided to do it today, still don't know why! Have posted a few recent photos on my photoblog.
I think posting photos makes me feel better, cuz when you take a photo, then you kind of make an inner connection with it. So you have something to say about it, it's sort of like a medium to transmit your feelings and thoughts. Without it, I'm bound to use words, and it's hard for me to find a reflection of my thoughts in words. If I had even the slighest expertise in the art of articulation it would be a lot easier for me. As of now, I can't find a true reflection of my thoughts in words.
So checkout my photoblog. ;).
No that is not the point of this post! Rambling, rambling, on and on.
Well let me tell a bit about myself and my life. School has been going on for more than a month now, and I'm happy that I haven't had a chance to experience it to the full extent YET! However, as of next week I will be pretty screwed with the rush of midterms and labs.
I have been trying to keep up with the keep-up-the-energy policy more or less. Feels goooood :D
I think posting photos makes me feel better, cuz when you take a photo, then you kind of make an inner connection with it. So you have something to say about it, it's sort of like a medium to transmit your feelings and thoughts. Without it, I'm bound to use words, and it's hard for me to find a reflection of my thoughts in words. If I had even the slighest expertise in the art of articulation it would be a lot easier for me. As of now, I can't find a true reflection of my thoughts in words.
So checkout my photoblog. ;).
No that is not the point of this post! Rambling, rambling, on and on.
Well let me tell a bit about myself and my life. School has been going on for more than a month now, and I'm happy that I haven't had a chance to experience it to the full extent YET! However, as of next week I will be pretty screwed with the rush of midterms and labs.
I have been trying to keep up with the keep-up-the-energy policy more or less. Feels goooood :D
Thursday, September 29, 2005
زمان
"زمان، در آن اغتشاش و آشفتگی، در آن جا به جایی نا معقول چیزها، در آن ترکیب و تجزیه و تکثیرهای خارج از قانون و قاعده، معنای همیشکیش را ندارد و به روز و شب و ساعت و دقیقه تقسیم نمی شود. انگار به آخرین لحظه رسیده ایم، آن وقت مرموز نهایی، انباشته از هیچ، لبریز از سکوت و تاریکی، آن دقیقه صامت و ثابت ابدی، آن سوی تمام دقیقه های هستی، پشت تاریخ و زندگی.
نمی دانیم چه روزی از هفته و چه فصلی و چه سالی است.
نمی دانیم که آیا آفتاب برخواسته و یا همچنان ادامه تاریکی دیرین است. دیروز و پریروزمان را گم کرده ایم و آینده را با شمارش نفس های متلاطم تخمین می زنیم."
خاطره های پراکنده - گلی ترقی
نمی دانیم چه روزی از هفته و چه فصلی و چه سالی است.
نمی دانیم که آیا آفتاب برخواسته و یا همچنان ادامه تاریکی دیرین است. دیروز و پریروزمان را گم کرده ایم و آینده را با شمارش نفس های متلاطم تخمین می زنیم."
خاطره های پراکنده - گلی ترقی
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
but WHY!!
why??? why why why why why?
Am I too negative?
Am I not open enough?
I donno! But I keep on thinking why why why...
Am I too negative?
Am I not open enough?
I donno! But I keep on thinking why why why...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
topic?!?!?!?!?!
So school has started, and all the work is gradually piling up. I haven't done much yet, but I think I have to get started pretty soon.
I finally did it! I got tickets to the toronto international film festival! I'm gonna see three movies!!!!!!:D It feels good, doing something different, that I have wanted to do for so long, but never did cuz i have always been too lazy (?). Anyways, this is going to be fun! :D
I wanna do different things, things I haven't done. I'm gonna get more active, actually doing things that I always think would be fun if I did. Photography is one of those things I wanna continue doing. I've stopped it for a while, but I'm gonna improve my skills! I love it!
It's just awesome to see your photos after they turn out the way you want it.
Another thing that I wanna do is to be physically active. That keeps me fresh! :D This year I hope is gonna be different from all the past years. I wanna be full of energy!
Does this post sound kinda fake? Cuz it's not! but if I read this on some other person's blog, I would say: "How fake! how silly!" well what I feel right now is definitely not fake! just take note of that!
By the way, this post was labeled "school", but then I realized I haven't written much about school. Someone pointed out to me that it should be "school & movies", but that isn't quite to the point either since that's not exactly what I have talked about here!
So any suggestions for topics? I've been having trouble recently choosing my post topics!
I finally did it! I got tickets to the toronto international film festival! I'm gonna see three movies!!!!!!:D It feels good, doing something different, that I have wanted to do for so long, but never did cuz i have always been too lazy (?). Anyways, this is going to be fun! :D
I wanna do different things, things I haven't done. I'm gonna get more active, actually doing things that I always think would be fun if I did. Photography is one of those things I wanna continue doing. I've stopped it for a while, but I'm gonna improve my skills! I love it!
It's just awesome to see your photos after they turn out the way you want it.
Another thing that I wanna do is to be physically active. That keeps me fresh! :D This year I hope is gonna be different from all the past years. I wanna be full of energy!
Does this post sound kinda fake? Cuz it's not! but if I read this on some other person's blog, I would say: "How fake! how silly!" well what I feel right now is definitely not fake! just take note of that!
By the way, this post was labeled "school", but then I realized I haven't written much about school. Someone pointed out to me that it should be "school & movies", but that isn't quite to the point either since that's not exactly what I have talked about here!
So any suggestions for topics? I've been having trouble recently choosing my post topics!
Monday, September 12, 2005
Better topic?
I should have called the previous post something else, at least not "School". Cuz I realized it has nothing to do with school. Maybe "Life", or "Internal Revolution", or something like that might have sounded more appropriate right?!!
School
School started, just like the past two years. But everything else is different. Everything else is changing. I'm gonna have a whole new type of life in front of me. Some parts of my life, that I appreciate the most, are gonna be missing from my life. I don't know how that will affect me. How strong am I, as an individual? How can I handle the situation?
How can those who love me handle it?
Tomorrow, a lot of things will change, and new set of rules for my life will come into being. I will try my best to like the life ahead of me, at least I am looking at it positively now. I am planning to get the most out of it...
A first step for my new life is developing bigger circles of friends. I don't wanna feel alone, and it's important to fill up your leisure time with fun. I wanna keep up the fun, I wanna be full of energy; I wanna become a source of energy.
How can those who love me handle it?
Tomorrow, a lot of things will change, and new set of rules for my life will come into being. I will try my best to like the life ahead of me, at least I am looking at it positively now. I am planning to get the most out of it...
A first step for my new life is developing bigger circles of friends. I don't wanna feel alone, and it's important to fill up your leisure time with fun. I wanna keep up the fun, I wanna be full of energy; I wanna become a source of energy.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Bored...
Today I am bored. Why? I don't know!
However, it's not just a feeling of being bored, it's mixed with loneliness, and just you know, an ordinary life that I foresee for myself in the upcoming days, or rather, months. I don't like it... I want to define my life, but I think I don't have the power for it. Do I?
It's not like I don't like school, I love my courses, but I want the feeling that I had back in my highschool, the feeling that you have friends around you, not just a few, but you know, different groups of them that you can just have fun with them, laugh and talk with them, etc.
You know how I wanna define it? Okay, I wanna have my OWN moments of loneliness, there are things that I wanna do all by myself, alone, with no one else's presenece. I wanna devote some time to myself, to reflect, to think, to organize my life, the way I want it. But then, I also wanna have a FUN social life. A very active one indeed. I want a social life, and I think I had it in the summer, but I believe I will lose it again during the semesters, not so because I am busy studying, but because it's hard to get in touch with people and plan something out fun!
Right now, it's still easy I guess, to an extent, but I;m busy myself. But I know as soon as I am not busy, other people are going to be busy. The other thing is that I don't know that many people very well... I mean, I haven't socialized much in my classrooms, have I? that's the question I keep on asking myself today. I think I wanted more, but I don't have it. I wanna have more friends I can have fun with, and be comfortable with, so that I don't have to beg everyone to come with me when I don't wanna go somewhere alone. I should know people that are closer in characteristics to me; I should not be begging any one that is available to come with me, just so that I'm not alone.
talk talk talk blah blah blah...
I'm bored today. I so wanted to like, go to a simple coffeeshop with a few friends, and you know talk about miscallaneous stuff. But I felt like I don't belong.
However, it's not just a feeling of being bored, it's mixed with loneliness, and just you know, an ordinary life that I foresee for myself in the upcoming days, or rather, months. I don't like it... I want to define my life, but I think I don't have the power for it. Do I?
It's not like I don't like school, I love my courses, but I want the feeling that I had back in my highschool, the feeling that you have friends around you, not just a few, but you know, different groups of them that you can just have fun with them, laugh and talk with them, etc.
You know how I wanna define it? Okay, I wanna have my OWN moments of loneliness, there are things that I wanna do all by myself, alone, with no one else's presenece. I wanna devote some time to myself, to reflect, to think, to organize my life, the way I want it. But then, I also wanna have a FUN social life. A very active one indeed. I want a social life, and I think I had it in the summer, but I believe I will lose it again during the semesters, not so because I am busy studying, but because it's hard to get in touch with people and plan something out fun!
Right now, it's still easy I guess, to an extent, but I;m busy myself. But I know as soon as I am not busy, other people are going to be busy. The other thing is that I don't know that many people very well... I mean, I haven't socialized much in my classrooms, have I? that's the question I keep on asking myself today. I think I wanted more, but I don't have it. I wanna have more friends I can have fun with, and be comfortable with, so that I don't have to beg everyone to come with me when I don't wanna go somewhere alone. I should know people that are closer in characteristics to me; I should not be begging any one that is available to come with me, just so that I'm not alone.
talk talk talk blah blah blah...
I'm bored today. I so wanted to like, go to a simple coffeeshop with a few friends, and you know talk about miscallaneous stuff. But I felt like I don't belong.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Wish me luck
wish me luck... I hope all goes well....
I'm coming back to Toronto on sunday night, it's gonna be a pretty busy week since I have to get ready for school and pack up my stuff and go to residence, and a lot more to do!
Recently I haven't posted anything here... or in the photoblog.. I have more enthusiasm for posting things in my photoblog, but it's just that I have no new photos since I'm home all day long... but if I get the time (and the photos), I will definitely update my photoblog.... yeah, good idea!
I'm coming back to Toronto on sunday night, it's gonna be a pretty busy week since I have to get ready for school and pack up my stuff and go to residence, and a lot more to do!
Recently I haven't posted anything here... or in the photoblog.. I have more enthusiasm for posting things in my photoblog, but it's just that I have no new photos since I'm home all day long... but if I get the time (and the photos), I will definitely update my photoblog.... yeah, good idea!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Home alone!
Hello!
Now it's just me & Tala! He's so depressed, cuz we've been leaving him to other people recently a lot since we had to travel back and forth... I'm trying to get him out of depression, but I donno... I mean, if I have to leave again by the end of the week, he will begin to be depressed again :(
Oh and by the way, I finally made my choice! I'm gonna take economy 100 for the HSS/CS course next year! Is that a wise decision or not? I mean, I like economy, and it has math so it shouldn't be hard right?
comments?
Now it's just me & Tala! He's so depressed, cuz we've been leaving him to other people recently a lot since we had to travel back and forth... I'm trying to get him out of depression, but I donno... I mean, if I have to leave again by the end of the week, he will begin to be depressed again :(
Oh and by the way, I finally made my choice! I'm gonna take economy 100 for the HSS/CS course next year! Is that a wise decision or not? I mean, I like economy, and it has math so it shouldn't be hard right?
comments?
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I'm Back??!!!
Khello!
I'm back! in T.O. ... quite surprisingly!
well... I didn't make up my mind with 100% certainty... up to now, the decisions that I have made in my life (if I indeed have had enough control over it) have always been made in a state of more or less certainty. What I mean is that, at the time I was making a decision, I have believed in what I was doing, and was sure to get it done. Usually, the case for me had always been to persuade others that the decision that I am making is the correct one. However, this time it has been completely different. I had two choices, each of which had a fair amount of advantages and some disadvantages. The decision-making was left solely to me. No external influences involved. Of course you can never say there are no external influences, because my environment, my family and my friends have played a great role in my decision. But none of them dictated to me what I should do, nor pushed me towards a certain decision with authorativeness.
The difficulty of this task, however, was not solely because I was given the power to decide, but because I was given the power to decide on such a delicate matter in a case where both of the options had their own advantages and disadvantages. I couldn't easily say which one outweighs the other one. I can't even say whether I have made the right choice or not, not even at this point in time. Another important thing was that I didn't have enough time to think over my two choices.
Now I have decided, rather, the decision has been made. I do not know who made the decision! Was it me? Or did it just happen that way? I know that no one else did, but I don't recall a moment where I said to myself: "Okay, let's go with this one!". I keep on rewinding back in my memory, but I can't find anything that resembles such a statement!
Don't be mistaken, I am not complaining! As I said, both of the situations have their advantages and disadvantages: neither one is bad! I would benefit from either one of them, maybe differently I guess...
Now there are people that I care about, and I especially care about how they think of me. I always say to people: you shouldn't really give that much value to how people think of you, but this time it's totally different. If there are a handful people whose opinion about me actually matters and makes a difference, it's them! I'm afraid that my action in this process has defined me in a way that I never thought it would. I'm afraid that what I have done has said things about who I am that are not necessraily correct. Or maybe they are correct, but I definitely DO NOT want them to be correct.
So now I'm back, with many questions in my mind, even more than before I leave... One of my good friends told me that no matter what decision I make, it will be the good one and the correct one. Another good friend told me that the important thing now is to be firm and move in the chosen direction with strength, no matter what has been chosen. I will try to believe as the first friend said, and act as the second one said...
Hopefully it will be a happy ending...
I'm back! in T.O. ... quite surprisingly!
well... I didn't make up my mind with 100% certainty... up to now, the decisions that I have made in my life (if I indeed have had enough control over it) have always been made in a state of more or less certainty. What I mean is that, at the time I was making a decision, I have believed in what I was doing, and was sure to get it done. Usually, the case for me had always been to persuade others that the decision that I am making is the correct one. However, this time it has been completely different. I had two choices, each of which had a fair amount of advantages and some disadvantages. The decision-making was left solely to me. No external influences involved. Of course you can never say there are no external influences, because my environment, my family and my friends have played a great role in my decision. But none of them dictated to me what I should do, nor pushed me towards a certain decision with authorativeness.
The difficulty of this task, however, was not solely because I was given the power to decide, but because I was given the power to decide on such a delicate matter in a case where both of the options had their own advantages and disadvantages. I couldn't easily say which one outweighs the other one. I can't even say whether I have made the right choice or not, not even at this point in time. Another important thing was that I didn't have enough time to think over my two choices.
Now I have decided, rather, the decision has been made. I do not know who made the decision! Was it me? Or did it just happen that way? I know that no one else did, but I don't recall a moment where I said to myself: "Okay, let's go with this one!". I keep on rewinding back in my memory, but I can't find anything that resembles such a statement!
Don't be mistaken, I am not complaining! As I said, both of the situations have their advantages and disadvantages: neither one is bad! I would benefit from either one of them, maybe differently I guess...
Now there are people that I care about, and I especially care about how they think of me. I always say to people: you shouldn't really give that much value to how people think of you, but this time it's totally different. If there are a handful people whose opinion about me actually matters and makes a difference, it's them! I'm afraid that my action in this process has defined me in a way that I never thought it would. I'm afraid that what I have done has said things about who I am that are not necessraily correct. Or maybe they are correct, but I definitely DO NOT want them to be correct.
So now I'm back, with many questions in my mind, even more than before I leave... One of my good friends told me that no matter what decision I make, it will be the good one and the correct one. Another good friend told me that the important thing now is to be firm and move in the chosen direction with strength, no matter what has been chosen. I will try to believe as the first friend said, and act as the second one said...
Hopefully it will be a happy ending...
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Timetable...
Today I've been trying SOO hard to fix this time table problem. I've been playing around with the courses, but I can't get it all right! I mean, for the winter term, it was pretty easy to fit it all and decide (of course I don't have many options there!), but for the fall term, it's harder! and I'm kinda nervous about not being able to get the courses that I want since this is my first time actually registering for my own courses online. Plus, I am not sure whether I'm gonna have a reliable internet connection here, and that makes me worry more.
So I spent all morning trying to fix the timetable problems. I left home at about 4 p.m. Did nothing, kinda feel unactive! I feel like I have extra physical energy that I wanna get rid of! (No mental energy to get rid of though!)
Actually, to save some mental energy, I usually decide to just stall the energy-consuming processes in my mind (which are increasing in number these days!). Currently, I have numerous, huge stalled processes sitting around my brain, waiting in line for being processed, but I'm busy writing my blog, walking, sleeping AND breathing, so I've got no time for them...
I tried uploading photos on this blog, but couldn't get it right... does anyone know how?
So I spent all morning trying to fix the timetable problems. I left home at about 4 p.m. Did nothing, kinda feel unactive! I feel like I have extra physical energy that I wanna get rid of! (No mental energy to get rid of though!)
Actually, to save some mental energy, I usually decide to just stall the energy-consuming processes in my mind (which are increasing in number these days!). Currently, I have numerous, huge stalled processes sitting around my brain, waiting in line for being processed, but I'm busy writing my blog, walking, sleeping AND breathing, so I've got no time for them...
I tried uploading photos on this blog, but couldn't get it right... does anyone know how?
Friday, August 12, 2005
First Post!
Ok so, I'm writing my first post here with a very typical title: "First Post!". I guess everyone who wanted to write a first post, would give it the same title.
Anyways, if you're reading my blog, it's because you know me. So I use this space to update all of you.
First of all, I'm here in L.A. now. So I went to work out the transfer credits. At first glance, it all looks pretty complicated, and they're telling me that it might take me more than 2 years to finish my bachelors. If that's what's gonna happen, I'm coming back! But there's still some backdoors open for negotiation. So we'll have to see how it goes.
So here, they're telling me to take a lot of general courses: a couple english and social issues courses, 3 physics, 1 chemistry. Another stupid course that they are telling me to take is called: Electricity, Magnetism & Optics. They have accepted my 2nd year EM course, but my first year one they haven't, because it did not have an optics component!!! I'm sure their optics component is like 1 chapter at the most! There's also a couple other courses like that that they are telling me to re-take. But besides these, they have accepted 4-5 of my 2nd year ECE courses as their 3rd year level courses.
So right now, I'm kinda disappointed, and have started thinking more seriously about coming back. But I'm still not sure... we'll have to see what happens! I'm still very confused, and will probably have a better idea by early next week.
I'll keep u guys updated here!
I went to this seafood restaurant by the ocean last night, and when you asked them to pack your food, they came with golden-coloured foils by your table and packed your food in some cartoonish form, like a whale, or a fish or a duck! It was so nice! I personally got a duck, but I preferred to get a whale!!
Anyways, if you're reading my blog, it's because you know me. So I use this space to update all of you.
First of all, I'm here in L.A. now. So I went to work out the transfer credits. At first glance, it all looks pretty complicated, and they're telling me that it might take me more than 2 years to finish my bachelors. If that's what's gonna happen, I'm coming back! But there's still some backdoors open for negotiation. So we'll have to see how it goes.
So here, they're telling me to take a lot of general courses: a couple english and social issues courses, 3 physics, 1 chemistry. Another stupid course that they are telling me to take is called: Electricity, Magnetism & Optics. They have accepted my 2nd year EM course, but my first year one they haven't, because it did not have an optics component!!! I'm sure their optics component is like 1 chapter at the most! There's also a couple other courses like that that they are telling me to re-take. But besides these, they have accepted 4-5 of my 2nd year ECE courses as their 3rd year level courses.
So right now, I'm kinda disappointed, and have started thinking more seriously about coming back. But I'm still not sure... we'll have to see what happens! I'm still very confused, and will probably have a better idea by early next week.
I'll keep u guys updated here!
I went to this seafood restaurant by the ocean last night, and when you asked them to pack your food, they came with golden-coloured foils by your table and packed your food in some cartoonish form, like a whale, or a fish or a duck! It was so nice! I personally got a duck, but I preferred to get a whale!!
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