blogging

I don't know. I mean, I'm confused. OK this is the thing: When I post photos in my photoblog, I post it for myself. I feel like it gives me a happiness to post things there. Also, more people give me comments on my photos, and my photoblog looks very nice:D So it's a satisfying feeling. However, there are other times when I feel the urge to just write something here, not in the photoblog.

And recently I have been feeling like that a lot. HOWEVER, I don't know why I am not satisfied with it. I feel like no one is reading my posts here. I know, you post for yourself, just to talk, just to organize your thoughts, make your mind free. I do this. It's very good. But the thing is, I post things here when my mind is occupied, I shape my ideas and feelings here, which is very very good. BUT I also need some sort of response. I wanna see what other people (not everyone of course, but a few) think about what I had to say. And I don't get the response.

I want to get involved in some sort of discussion about my post. It's just that I wanna see a discussion going on here. It's kinda nostalgic, cuz I get reminded of myself back in grades 8-10, when I was sooo involved in different discussions with my friends, when I was always questioning everything in my life, searching for an answer, for everything!! And back then, my life was soo dynamic!! I want that in my life back again. Don't know where to start from.

I want to read a book. A good book! Someone give me an idea pleaaaaase! I really want it!!

Reflection

WARNING: LONG POST!

I've noticed that I have been learning more and more about myself through interaction with the people around me. I mean, sometimes I react to certain events in a way that even surprise me! Not that I am totally unpredictable or anything, (LOL even to myself), but it's just that I don't really have a concrete definition of "ME". Although it isn't necessary (and is even futile) to try to define oneself in every aspect, it's important for a person to know the self.

Aside: Don't confuse this with building a model of yourself and restraining yourself to it, because if you leave no room for flexibility, you're a dead person, there's no enthusiasm, no surprise, no excitement, and thus, no life.

Back to the topic: As I interact with people, I have noticed that some of my behaviors do not have any basis; I mean, if someone asks me "Why did you do this when that happened?" I would have no answer. It's good that I have realized this, cuz now I try to search for a reason why I behave in the way I do, and in case I don't find any reason, at least I find out what I would rather see in my behavior instead of the default one.

There was a stage in my life when I defined certain things for myself, and found the answer to some of my questions. Alas, I have not continued that scheme. So now I feel like I need to reflect back more in the things I do, and why I do them. Recently, there have been dilemmas again in my mind, and I have to sort them out. I have to think about them, reason them out. If these dilemmas are not sorted out, if my questions are not answered, then I do not have a strong personality, I do not have a character. In that case, I swing from one behavior to the other, even totally opposite ones, as I interact with different people. Although I see a reflection of what I am through interaction with the people around me, their behavior should not be my dominant source of inspiration!

However, I have one main characteristic (that I do know about!), and that is that I can't think silent. I mean, when I am processing information and searching for answers through logical reasoning, I need it to be out loud. I need to be involved in an argument. Otherwise my mind just sits back and relaxes! So now we need to trigger this sleeping mind to do some thinking, to get into arguments, dilemmas, discussions and challenges again!

Some methods I can think of are: writing in this blog, talking to a friend and reading a book. Give me ideas!

Thought Efficiency

Recently, my mind just wanders around. It's not like before. Like you know, sometimes, let's say when I was blow drying my hair or brushing my teeth, I didn't really think about anything. My mind was sort of like a vacuum... empty, nothing in it. At certain times during the day, I reached this state when I thought about nothing! It felt kinda good, cuz my mind relaxed. But it's been about two weeks or so that my mind has been working non-stop. Even when I brush my teeth!

My mind is constantly thinking, not even about important things, but actually about trivial matters! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if I was actually thinking about something ineteresting or important! It's just that I can't NOT THINK when I'm brushing my teeth! May sound funny (it kinda is!) but it has actually made me kind of worried. I mean, why do I think about such trivial things sooo much? Why is that thinking about non-important things takes up soo much energy of our mind?

Don't try to say that if you were a deep person you wouldn't have these problems! In fact, what I'm saying is that no matter how sophisticated your inetellect is, you are still spending an enormous amount of energy thinking about things that are of no value! They shouldn't take up your energy!

I don't think realizing that I am thinking during brushing my teeth, as opposed to just giving my mind a break, means anything with regards to the depth of my mental activities. It has only banged a hammer in my head, reminding me that I shouldn't spend sooo much time on unimportant stuff; but alas, nobody can stop thinking about unimportant matters, I think it's physically impossible. There has to be some wasted energy. You cannot have 100% output efficiency, right?

My medium of communication

Haven't written here much, cuz I don't really feel the urge to write here. Anyways, I decided to do it today, still don't know why! Have posted a few recent photos on my photoblog.
I think posting photos makes me feel better, cuz when you take a photo, then you kind of make an inner connection with it. So you have something to say about it, it's sort of like a medium to transmit your feelings and thoughts. Without it, I'm bound to use words, and it's hard for me to find a reflection of my thoughts in words. If I had even the slighest expertise in the art of articulation it would be a lot easier for me. As of now, I can't find a true reflection of my thoughts in words.
So checkout my photoblog. ;).

No that is not the point of this post! Rambling, rambling, on and on.

Well let me tell a bit about myself and my life. School has been going on for more than a month now, and I'm happy that I haven't had a chance to experience it to the full extent YET! However, as of next week I will be pretty screwed with the rush of midterms and labs.

I have been trying to keep up with the keep-up-the-energy policy more or less. Feels goooood :D