Daydreaming... uncovered!

So I went to Goli Taraghi's first lecture today (she's teaching a class called Women in Modern Iranian Literature at Stanford this quarter). The class awesome (and I'm obviously excited!). You wouldn't call the class a big one, since there were only 6 of us in class + goli.

She said something that totally woke me up... she started out by ing about the conflicts that exist in the literature (and in particular Persian literature), starting from the man vs. woman conflict, and then moving on to the conflict between the modern woman and the traditional woman (which could be inside the same woman!). Then she said how women after the revolution were confused, since they were liberated once before the revolution, and then covered again after the revolution. She said that the woman in this era is a confused woman, a woman divided between modernity and tradition. The main question is a question of identity, of the "Who am I?". The woman does not know her identity, and this confusion leads to her indecisiveness: the woman cannot make decisions, and cannot change her life. But she can do one thing, and that is to "daydream", to dream about what she wants to be, what she wants to do, and what she can become. So she spends her time daydreaming on and on... and as a result, most of her conversations are monologues as opposed to dialogues.

When she was talking about all of these, I just realized how much of it applies to me. I felt like she is talking about me. I don't want to say that I am confused between modernity and tradition (though that may be true in some situations, and I shouldn't deny it!), but maybe the more tangible confusion that I feel is my confusion about my career, about my goals. Every day in an out, I feel confused about what I am. I am in a research lab, but I feel like I haven't really decided on my identity here. I feel like other people in the lab are determined to do what they are doing, and they relate to their academic selves. Not me! I keep on thinking about my "options", and how I should explore and search for my ideal career, my ideal identity. And in the meanwhile I am just too busy doing research to have any quality time for this identity exploration business. This confusion has made me indecisive and submissive, and I have become that woman. I cannot focus as much as I used to. When I sit in talks, in classes, and in lectures, I start daydreaming before I can even notice it! I wander in my thoughts, away into my ideal world where I have a strong, smart, and respectable identity. Where I am not afraid to voice my opinion and do not feel intimidated (This is not to say that those around me intimidate me, rather, my confusion steals away my identity, which in turns results in my lack of self-esteem)...

caught myself yesterday in the midst of my daydreams. I was sitting in a talk and my co-adviser walks in. He goes in and sits in front of my adviser, which is sitting in front of me. So then I start thinking about the fact that he is my co-adviser, and that he is sitting in front of my adviser, and that I am sitting behind both of them, and that I should probably go and talk to him some time soon, and then I thought about what it means for me to have these two people as my adviser and co-adviser. Then I thought about what successful students have become, and what would it be like if I come back to Stanford in a couple years to give a talk, how would they treat me, etc.... and it went on and on, and then I suddenly noticed that the presenter has changed the slide! So this time (fortunately) I caught myself and concentrated on the presentation again. This happens to me all the time, and before I know it, I fall asleep in classes, talks and lectures which I presumably attend on a voluntary basis!

So when she talked about confusion leading to indecisiveness leading to daydreaming, it all made sense to me! All of a sudden everything just seemed to click. And I felt so stupid for not having noticed it before...

So what am I planning to do about this? How should I resolve my confusion, and how should I find my identity (for now, in the context of school and career)? This is still an open question... I think I know too many solutions, but to actually give them a try is a different story...

Thanks Goli for clearing things up for me!